I went to Dartmouth on Sunday, to visit my parents. Most entertaining, it was. Particularly the bit where mum made dad drive around Dartmouth for almost 40 minutes looking for a parking space.
Not much else to tell, really.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Shuttle
I saw live footage of the shuttle being flown back to Florida over the weekend. It was very cool.
Looks like they watched Blue Peter the night before they flew... They've stuck bits of washing up liquid bottles to the back of the shuttle. I bet they did it with sticky backed plastic!
I wonder how they smuggled it though customs...
"Excuse me, sir. Do you have anything to declare?"
"Er... no, Officer."
"Well, can you explain that suspicious shuttle shaped bulge in your pocket, sir?"
"Um... I'm just pleased to see you..."
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Sarcastic Rail Announcers
We had an unusually sarcastic announcer on the train to Brum yesterday.
She came on to tell us about the range of food and drinks available from the buffet car. After going through the usual welcome spiel, she went on to extoll in detail the virtues of the bacon baguettes, telling us that she had ditched the supply of tomato ketchup at the last station on the basis that it wasn't as tasty as brown sauce then announced that we were more than welcome to drop in for a nice hot chocolate topped with cream and whatever little sprinkles we fancied. She finished up by explaining that the buffet car was located in the centre of the train, and that if we weren't sure where that was in relation to where we were sitting than we should have been paying more attention when we were getting on the train.
Laughed, I did.
She came on to tell us about the range of food and drinks available from the buffet car. After going through the usual welcome spiel, she went on to extoll in detail the virtues of the bacon baguettes, telling us that she had ditched the supply of tomato ketchup at the last station on the basis that it wasn't as tasty as brown sauce then announced that we were more than welcome to drop in for a nice hot chocolate topped with cream and whatever little sprinkles we fancied. She finished up by explaining that the buffet car was located in the centre of the train, and that if we weren't sure where that was in relation to where we were sitting than we should have been paying more attention when we were getting on the train.
Laughed, I did.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
My name is Darren and I am a Numpty
Yes, yes. I know. You all figured that out already. But I only realised this evening that I just plain shouldn't be allowed out on my own!
I had to pop over to Stead's this evening to do a bit of heavy lifting. Having got changed, I decided that I wouldn't need my wallet, so I left it on the bed.
Having done my little weight training session, I headed back home, but along the way decided to pick up a few things from Tesco. I parked up, wandered in, filled a basket with stuff and went to the ceckout to pay, carefully selecting the one with the most attractive girl (alright, alright she was a bit yound for me - but a guy can dream can't he?). It was only after I had laid out all of my stuff on the little conveyor belt that I remembered the location of my means of payment.
Redfaced, I explained my predicament to the attractive girl at the checkout. It was at this point that something truly amazing happened!
It seems that Tesco have a process for dealing with utter morons who leave their wallets at home. They scan all your goods, bag em up, then put them to one side, giving you a little receipt with a barcode on. You can then rush home, grab your wallet, come back and pay without all that tedious mucking about holding up the queue while someone comes and gets rid of your pile of stuff.
Hooray for Tesco.
As a punishment for my lack of brain activity however, you may all refer to me in a derogatory fashion... preferably calling my mental capacity into question. I particularly encourage the use of phrases such as 'dumb f*ck', 'f*ckwit' and 'total f*cking moron'.
I had to pop over to Stead's this evening to do a bit of heavy lifting. Having got changed, I decided that I wouldn't need my wallet, so I left it on the bed.
Having done my little weight training session, I headed back home, but along the way decided to pick up a few things from Tesco. I parked up, wandered in, filled a basket with stuff and went to the ceckout to pay, carefully selecting the one with the most attractive girl (alright, alright she was a bit yound for me - but a guy can dream can't he?). It was only after I had laid out all of my stuff on the little conveyor belt that I remembered the location of my means of payment.
Redfaced, I explained my predicament to the attractive girl at the checkout. It was at this point that something truly amazing happened!
It seems that Tesco have a process for dealing with utter morons who leave their wallets at home. They scan all your goods, bag em up, then put them to one side, giving you a little receipt with a barcode on. You can then rush home, grab your wallet, come back and pay without all that tedious mucking about holding up the queue while someone comes and gets rid of your pile of stuff.
Hooray for Tesco.
As a punishment for my lack of brain activity however, you may all refer to me in a derogatory fashion... preferably calling my mental capacity into question. I particularly encourage the use of phrases such as 'dumb f*ck', 'f*ckwit' and 'total f*cking moron'.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Survey Results
Hmm.
Whilst browsing the interweb (whilst I should have been working) I came across this little gem of an article on the Guardian Website.
Stead won't be happy!
Whilst browsing the interweb (whilst I should have been working) I came across this little gem of an article on the Guardian Website.
Stead won't be happy!
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Twister!
Here is the front page of today's Bristol evening Post:
Note the dramatic headline, "TWISTER", implying imminent terrifying danger from the horrific tornado pictured above it. Scary, scary stuff.
The fact that this demonstration of the awesome and terrible power of mother nature went entirely unnoticed by the majority of the citizens of Bristol seems to have been disregarded in the scramble to create a sensational headline.
The fact that, on closer examination of said photo, this demonstration of the awesome and terrible power of mother nature appears to be... well... very small and very high also appears not to be a factor in the selection of the main news item of the day.
My considered opinion is that by simple chance, someone with a camera happened to be looking up at the time and was lucky enough to have snapped off a decent photo of this demonstration of the awesome and terrible power of mother nature and e-mailed it in to the Evening Post. Due to a lack of the usual agricultural issues to report (normally in the vein of 'MAD COW HORROR: Famer Giles left the gate to his field open and one of his cows escaped, causing a three car tailback on a minor country lane' or 'TRACTOR TERROR: A slow moving tractor causes minor delays of B-Road') this quality paper decides to use the front page to report... THE WEATHER!
The byline can't be read on the image above, but I suspect it goes something like this: "TWISTER: Freak weather phenomenon of Bristol causes no problems and goes largely unnoticed by residents." Pretty sharp reporting right there!
Our American friends could learn a thing or two about Twisters. Those Floridians make such a fuss about 'em, but we know the truth! Have another cup of tea.
This is the same newspaper that a few months ago headlined with "OUR BED IS TOO HOT!" A moving human interest piece about a couple who found their bed to be too warm and had to spend the night in their armchairs.
Note the dramatic headline, "TWISTER", implying imminent terrifying danger from the horrific tornado pictured above it. Scary, scary stuff.
The fact that this demonstration of the awesome and terrible power of mother nature went entirely unnoticed by the majority of the citizens of Bristol seems to have been disregarded in the scramble to create a sensational headline.
The fact that, on closer examination of said photo, this demonstration of the awesome and terrible power of mother nature appears to be... well... very small and very high also appears not to be a factor in the selection of the main news item of the day.
My considered opinion is that by simple chance, someone with a camera happened to be looking up at the time and was lucky enough to have snapped off a decent photo of this demonstration of the awesome and terrible power of mother nature and e-mailed it in to the Evening Post. Due to a lack of the usual agricultural issues to report (normally in the vein of 'MAD COW HORROR: Famer Giles left the gate to his field open and one of his cows escaped, causing a three car tailback on a minor country lane' or 'TRACTOR TERROR: A slow moving tractor causes minor delays of B-Road') this quality paper decides to use the front page to report... THE WEATHER!
The byline can't be read on the image above, but I suspect it goes something like this: "TWISTER: Freak weather phenomenon of Bristol causes no problems and goes largely unnoticed by residents." Pretty sharp reporting right there!
Our American friends could learn a thing or two about Twisters. Those Floridians make such a fuss about 'em, but we know the truth! Have another cup of tea.
This is the same newspaper that a few months ago headlined with "OUR BED IS TOO HOT!" A moving human interest piece about a couple who found their bed to be too warm and had to spend the night in their armchairs.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Computer Skills For All
Saw this on the BBC site this morning.
Not very interesting in itself, but it reminded me of an anecdote from a couple of years ago. Not a very interesting one, but I’m going to share it with you all the same - and because you’re bored, I just know you’re gonna read it anyway, interesting or not.
Apparently, a few years ago, the government were pushing a similar initiative to provide basic computer training and ‘certification’. The training was outsourced to local IT training companies. Anyway, one evening, I had a knock on the door. Upon answering I discovered a small man who told me all about this initiative.
"Do you have any IT qualifications?" he asked.
"As it happens, no." I replied. "However as I do a fair amount of database design in my job I’m not sure your services are really my cup of tea."
"So you have no certificates?" he said.
"Er… no," I responded. "but as I implied in my previous statement, my IT skills are such that your services really aren’t for me."
"The government have put this money aside for you," the salesman informed me. "You don’t want to waste that money, do you?"
"No no." I countered. "The government have put this money aside for people who have poor or non-existent IT skills and wish to acquire a piece of paper that that tells the bearer that they are certified to press the ‘on’ button on their computer and perhaps use that minor ‘qualification’ to graduate from working on the shop floor or driving the works van, to working in the office."
"Your chances of getting an IT job are greatly improved with a certificate such as this."
Up until this point, I had attempted to be reasonably amicable and only slightly sarcastic. It was clear from this statement, however, that this irritating little man was determined to miss my point, even if I physically used it to gouge his eyes out. He therefore raised himself in my estimation from minor annoyance to full blown legitimate target for whatever mockery, scorn or derision I felt necessary to belittle him and make him go away with his tail between his legs.
"Little man," I began (for he was very short), "I don’t consider myself to be a computer expert, but clearly my understanding of both computers and the world we live in eclipses yours in a way that can only be described as … and I choose my words carefully here… ‘total’." In case he continued to miss the point, I drove it in further. "At my advanced level of society - which, it is painfully obvious to me is far, far higher than yours given that I have a comfortable yet challenging and financially rewarding office job and you are traipsing around, desperately knocking on doors in the rain on a Wednesday evening – any attempt to quote some scrappy government funded numpty’s guide to what is laughingly called ‘Information Technology’ would be ridiculed beyond measure."
He left shortly after I finished talking.
Actually, I may have recalled the incident with more malice than it actually had. I’m generally not that mean to people in person. But rest assured, that I was very, very sarcastic.
I should point out, however, that I had no intention to belittle what is actually a very worthy scheme. I was simply being mean to the salesman on my doorstep as is my fundamental human right!
Every adult in Scotland is being offered up to £100 to develop and improve their computer skills.
The funding forms part of a Scottish Executive drive to extend learning.
The Individual Learning Account (ILA) Scotland scheme offers low income learners up to £200 a year for courses to help them get back into work.
This has now been extended to provide funding of up to £100 a year for basic information technology training to everyone in Scotland over 18.
Not very interesting in itself, but it reminded me of an anecdote from a couple of years ago. Not a very interesting one, but I’m going to share it with you all the same - and because you’re bored, I just know you’re gonna read it anyway, interesting or not.
Apparently, a few years ago, the government were pushing a similar initiative to provide basic computer training and ‘certification’. The training was outsourced to local IT training companies. Anyway, one evening, I had a knock on the door. Upon answering I discovered a small man who told me all about this initiative.
"Do you have any IT qualifications?" he asked.
"As it happens, no." I replied. "However as I do a fair amount of database design in my job I’m not sure your services are really my cup of tea."
"So you have no certificates?" he said.
"Er… no," I responded. "but as I implied in my previous statement, my IT skills are such that your services really aren’t for me."
"The government have put this money aside for you," the salesman informed me. "You don’t want to waste that money, do you?"
"No no." I countered. "The government have put this money aside for people who have poor or non-existent IT skills and wish to acquire a piece of paper that that tells the bearer that they are certified to press the ‘on’ button on their computer and perhaps use that minor ‘qualification’ to graduate from working on the shop floor or driving the works van, to working in the office."
"Your chances of getting an IT job are greatly improved with a certificate such as this."
Up until this point, I had attempted to be reasonably amicable and only slightly sarcastic. It was clear from this statement, however, that this irritating little man was determined to miss my point, even if I physically used it to gouge his eyes out. He therefore raised himself in my estimation from minor annoyance to full blown legitimate target for whatever mockery, scorn or derision I felt necessary to belittle him and make him go away with his tail between his legs.
"Little man," I began (for he was very short), "I don’t consider myself to be a computer expert, but clearly my understanding of both computers and the world we live in eclipses yours in a way that can only be described as … and I choose my words carefully here… ‘total’." In case he continued to miss the point, I drove it in further. "At my advanced level of society - which, it is painfully obvious to me is far, far higher than yours given that I have a comfortable yet challenging and financially rewarding office job and you are traipsing around, desperately knocking on doors in the rain on a Wednesday evening – any attempt to quote some scrappy government funded numpty’s guide to what is laughingly called ‘Information Technology’ would be ridiculed beyond measure."
He left shortly after I finished talking.
Actually, I may have recalled the incident with more malice than it actually had. I’m generally not that mean to people in person. But rest assured, that I was very, very sarcastic.
I should point out, however, that I had no intention to belittle what is actually a very worthy scheme. I was simply being mean to the salesman on my doorstep as is my fundamental human right!
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