Longleat

This week, my brother and his wife accompanied Dr K and I to Longleat.  It was pretty awesome.

The thing that entertained me most about the trip, though, was this sign in the tiger enclosure:

In particular, it reminded me very much of the rubbish pictures that I produce for this blog.  And to prove that point, I made one just like it:

See?

Later in the day, we got lost in the maze.  I recorded a little video about that, but my computer is being an arse today, so I can't show it to you.  Watch this space though, cos it'll be up some time in the week!

Lego Sunday

Hah!  See what I did there?

I made the word 'Sunday' out of Lego.  Because the post is called 'Lego Sunday'.  It's dry, post modern, ironic humour.  Or...  er...  something.

I suppose you're wondering why I might do something as crazy like naming a blog post 'Lego Sunday'.

Read on, and you might find out.

Today I went to Legoland.  See, you didn't have to read on very far to find out, did you?

I may have mentioned in the past how much I love Lego.  It's singularly* brilliant.  Dr K bought me a Lego Milennium Falcon for my birthday.

Anyway, back to Legoland.  Here are some pictures:

Oh no!  It's a big lego dinosaur come to eat me alive!

Who needs a zoo?  Lego elephants are way cooler than real elephants!

I resisted the temptation to look up his skirt.  I was afraid that I'd see a giant lego willy!

Yarr!

Shuttle!

What's that you said about my good lady, sir?  I challenge you to a duel!  Have at thee!

(Plastic swords can hurt if you get slapped in the face with one.)

Oh no!  I got eaten by a shark!  Fortunately, I'm not very palatable.

Kaz dwarfs bits of London.

Kaz and I try out the throne in Atlantis.   Not enough melted swords for my taste.  A throne just isn't a throne if there isn't a chance that you'll accidentally stab yourself in the bum!

Oh yeah.  And they might have had a little Star Wars exhibit on...

Fancy a drink?  There's always a little cantina around the corner!

This was the droid I was looking for!

I wonder if there's good skiing to be had on Hoth.

Endor is a nice holiday destination, too.  Lush forests.  Certain death at the hand of the Imperial army!

 The Millennium Falcon is so damn cool!

We were kind enough to allow the Dark Lord of the Sith to be photographed with us.  When you're as famous as Dr K and me, you have to make these concessions to the little people!

That was my day at Legoland.  It was awesome.

Afterwards, I was inspired to go home and build my Millennium Falcon, which has been waiting for the dining room table to become free.  Here's an epic high speed video!

( * 'Singularly'.  Because the word is 'Lego'.  And the plural of 'Lego' is also 'Lego'.  No 'S' on the end.  Unless you're the sort of dumbass who says 'sheeps' or 'deers' or 'doughnuts'...  no wait... )

They Call Me 'Three Castles' Morrissey

No, really. They do. 

Well... when I say 'they' I mean...  er...  me...

But I'm calling myself 'Three Castles' Morrissey this week because I went to see not one, not two but THREE awesome castles over the weekend.

It's became a bit of a tradition between Dr K and me to take each other on a little mystery trip to celebrate our respective birthdays.  And Dr K took me to Yorkshire.  And you know what?  You can't take more than  about three steps in Yorkshire without tripping over an awesome castle.

So, yeah.  We saw some castles.  Here's one:  It's Middleham Castle:

You can climb up bits of it.  So we did.  And here's a picture of the view:

It doesn't show, but it was hailing and blowing a gale when I took that picture.

Middleham Castle was home to Richard III.  I met him.  He seemed pretty 'armless, if you ask me.

Next up was Richmond Castle.  It had a full on tower, which was ace!  Here's Dr K being a monster, next to it.  Man, she's tall!

Since I'm not a humongous giant like Dr K, I had to climb up the tower to get up high. If you look really carefully, you can see me at the top in this photo:

Here's Richmond from the top of that tower.  It hailed on me while I was up there.

Finally, we went to see Bolton Castle which is in Castle Bolton.  Figure that one out.  Anyway - here's me pretending it's Moo Castle!

And, mostly because I've set the precendent with the other two castles, here's the view from the top.  In it, Dr K is taking a picture of me taking that picture.

 And here is the picture that Dr K took:

While we were up there, we also took a pretty rubbish picture of ourselves. We're a cute couple huh? It didn't hail on us, but damn, it was cold!

I'm not just obsessed with the top of castles though. Here's me in the very lowest point I could find. The beer cellar!

You will be pleased to know that I was able to locate a cream tea in the castle tearooms, which were a little bit like having lunch in a big stone refrigerator.

 We didn't just go to castles while we were there.  We also paid a visit to The Forbidden Corner which, it turned out was exactly the opposite of forbidden - they really wanted us in there. Almost as if it was a tourist attraction.

Anyway, The Forbidden Corner bills itself as 'the strangest place in the world'.  I dunno.  They've obviously never been to my house on a Tuesday evening, but there was a pretty odd collection of stuff in there.

Here, for example, is a creepy bearded bloke pointing the way.  And he's standing in front of a big bearded man carved out of a tree, who is also pointing the way..

And here's Dr K being eaten by...  well, I'm not sure what she's being eaten by.  But she came out of the other end just fine, so I guess she's pretty indigestible.

Here's the latest fashion in archways.  Fancy one of these over the door to your ensuite?  The dragons, I mean, not me.

 Here I am making eye contact with a naked lady. I'm very good at making eye contact as all of my female friends will affirm...  ahem...

Here is a pretty little garden with a pretty little Doctor in it.

And here is a fountain.

And here is...  er...  a... well it's obviously a...  nope... I give up.  I sat on it, anyway.

There was a Roman garrison there.  I don't think they were particularly pleased to see me.

As a point of interest, I had a very wet groin at the time that photo was taken.  There was a watery incident.  I will let you read into that whatever you like, but I can pretty much guarantee that you're wrong.

I have a lot more photos of the place, but I'm running out of time and space, so I'll quickly tell you about my curry:

It wasn't just any curry.  It had venison in it and it was delicious.  I only had venison because they'd run out of ostrich.

If I had one complaint about the weekend, it would be that Dr K managed to find the cottage with the most uncomfortable sofa on the planet.  Her side seemed fine, but mine was trying to kill me. I'm sure of it:

I will leave you with a delightful picture of Dr K.  She's so very pretty.

London, Baby!

This weekend, I took Dr K on a little trip to London.  It's a little treat to take her mind off all the hard work she does sharing a house with me.

While we were there, we covered an awful lot of ground and did an awful lot of walking.

Here's an impressively detailed, highly accurate map of the places we went and the routes we took:

Who needs Google Maps, eh?  We walked pretty much all of it except the sticky out bit on the far left, which we did on the train because our poor little legs were a bit tiredy-wiredy.

So... on Friday we caught the train to London and met an excellent friend near Barbican for lunch.  Then we walked south past St Paul's and across the wibbly-wobbly bridge and round the back of the Tate Modern to our hotel in Southwark.

Then we walked...  yes, walked, all the way to Regent Street to look at the toys in Hamleys, most of which were shit apart, obviously from the Star Wars Lego.  They had a life size Lego Darth Vader, which was quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever seen!

After that, we cut across Hyde Park to Harrods, which was full of really expensive shit!  There was a little bit of Star Wars Lego  in their toy department, but no Lego Darth Vader, which made it shitter than Hamleys. They had Buzz Lightyear instead. Pff.

And then it was time to walk back to the hotel in Southwark.  It was around this time that our little feet began to regret our decision to walk.





The next day was less strenuous on the feet, although were were given regular achey reminders of the hell that we'd put them through.

First up, we caught the train to Shepherd's Bush which, contrary to popular belief harbours no shepherds and very few bushes.  A brisk walk south took us to the Kensington Olympia where we went to the Doctor Who experience, which was AWESOME.

After the awesomeness, we had pizza and caught the train to Covent Garden where we climbed far too many steps and then had doughnuts and ice cream and nosed around the shops before holing up in a pub while we waited to be let into the Cambridge theatre to see Matilda.

Which was AWESOMELY AWESOME!

Oh, and then we walked back to the hotel because we didn't think we'd had enough of walking yet.  We were, of course, utterly wrong.




And then it was Sunday.  We just had time to have steak with some more excellent people before rushing off to catch a train.
And now I'm home.  Rochester was extremely pleased to see us and keeps following me round the house to make sure that I don't do any thing silly like bugger off and leave him entirely on his own for a weekend.
As if.

The Dog's Dinner(s)

Today I had two Christmas dinners.

I know, ridiculous, right? But that's just the way I roll, baby!

See, it's a tradition every year that Dr K's office Christmas party falls on the same day as my office Christmas party.

No one knows why or how this happens. It simply appears to be a law of physics that two independently organised parties will occur on the same day. It's equally possible that it's the handiwork of the Evil Canal of Evil, but I've seen no evidence to support this.

The itinerary usually goes something like this:

3pm: Dazza quits the office and goes to a venue in Bristol to scoff a roast dinner.

4:30pm Dazza finishes dinner.

5:30pm: Dazza leaves the party early and engages in a madcap dash home in order to...

7:30pm: Arrive at Dr K's party.

8pm: Dazza does more eating.

Today didn't vary too much from the usual format.

I suppose the important thing is... FREE FOOD!

One last thing: this evening I was sat opposite a woman with a dog anus on her necklace. It was kinda mesmerising.

I should explain. It was probably not intended to look like the arse of a dog. It was probably actually supposed to look like a crown with a pink jewel in it. Something like this:

Now, if you were to flip it over, it would look more like this:

It's only a short leap for a brain like mine, to imagine where the head and tail are supposed to be. Et voila:

That's it. The end.

Dr K's Magical Mystery Tour Part Three

We're home, which means I can provide you with that awesome photo extravaganza that I promised!

Here's our whole weekend in graphic novel form!  As usual, you can click on each image for a larger version!