The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #30: Sweden

You remember yesterday, when I said that I had run out of foreign sweets?  I was wrong.

Turns out, Sweden had send me an entry that I'd forgotten about.

I don't know about you, but I tend to worry when the packaging of my sweets has a warning triangle on it.  This will not go well.

From the looks of them, these are the the Swedish equivalent of Haribo.  Tasty jelly sweets.  Mmm.

And indeed, the little fruit shaped prices are nice enough.  Lets move on to the others.

FUCK YOU, SWEDEN!  What the hell is wrong with you?  Stop putting salt on your sweets.  Stupid Sweden.

RED!  Beware salty sweets from the Scandinavian peninsula!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #29: China

China is a big, big place.  As such, it's only fitting that they provide a larger selection of goodies for my taste buds to sample!


Here we have three very suspicious looking articles.  Presentation-wise, I'm not really keen on any of them!


I decided to get the worst out of the way first. These sweets have a giant shrimp on the front of the packet. Doesn't really bode well for me, considering I've never met a seafood that I liked. Still, in the interests of science (and padding out a blog post), I was willing to take one for the team.

Inside the shrimpy wrapper, it was  kinda like a big boiled sweet.  With stripes on.

Weirdly, it did not taste fishy at all.  In fact it tasted like peanut butter.  That's because inside that stripy shell, it was... er... peanut butter.  With not a hint of decapod crustacean.

On closer inspection of the packaging, there was no mention of shrimps at all.  So all in all it was a much less traumatic experience than I was expecting.

Not to worry, though.  There's plenty of trauma to come...



Not quite yet though.  Because despite looking quite a lot like a dog treat, this next one was bloody delicious. It had a tasty creamy bit surrounded by a lovely wafery bit and although it was much moister, it reminded me a lot of one of my favourite biscuits:  The pink wafer.


Pink wafers are deeply unpopular with the general population, but me and my tatsebuds like 'em.  And, in fact after tasting the chinese dog treat, I went out and bought a packet of pink wafers.

And scoffed them.


Finally we come onto this fruity little abomination.

I say it's some sort of fruit.  I'm not sure what fruit it is.  It was in a sweet wrapper and I am assured is what the people of Hong Kong munch instead of M&Ms.  I suspect someone was fibbing.

The skin was like leather, and when I bit into it, something salty squirted into my mouth.

Without further ado, I sent the little fucker to Finland*.

So China has a full range of sweets which range from absolutely fucking horrible to not entirely vomit-inducing to bloody lovely.  On average, I think it gets a 3.  Maybe a 3.5.  Either way, it's Amber.  Eat sweets in China at your own risk!

I have now run out of horrible foreign sweets.  But I still have a long way to go, so expect more in the not-too distant future!

.

( * You will remember, of course, that I coined the phrase 'to Finland' a few days ago.)

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #28: Cyprus

Now Cyprus is a tricky issue.  It's a bit Greek and a bit Turkish and therefore may not actually warrant an entry of it's own.  But I'm trying to string this out 'til the end of the week, and so I have decided that it qualifies!

 What's this?  More Turkish Delight?

Oh, my mistake.  It's Cyprus Delight.  You know, the traditional taste from Cyprus.  Not to be mistaken for the identical, but obviously entirely different Greek Delight from Greece and Turkish Delight from Turkey.

Upon opening the box, I discovered that presentation was not one of the strong points when it came to confectionery from Cyprus.  It looks a little like someone had a really heavy cold today.  Shortly thereafter, I discovered that taking photographs in focus was not one of my strong points when it came to confectionery from Cyprus.

So, much as I enjoy a bit of Turk...  er... Cyprus Delight, they lose a couple of points for copycatting the copycats and get a 3 out of five, which means that they're Amber too.

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #27: Greece

Greece.

It gave us Democracy, Philosophy and Trigonometry.  It also gave us dodgy knock-off Turkish delight.

But, I guess if it was made in Greece and bought in Greece, it must be Greek, so here goes!

Tasty enough.  Nothing like the melon that it claimed on the box.  As far as knock of Turkish Delight goes though, I think I preferred yesterday's Big Turk!

I'm only giving Greece a 3/5 Amber, because they're ripping off Turkey and, unlike Canada, didn't even bother to put chocolate on it!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #26: Canada

Today, I'm turning my attention to Canada.

Here, I have a Big Turk and and Eat More, both of which enjoy very functional packaging.  No cartoon characters.  No pictures of Turks or...  er... eating.  Just the name of the sweet in big letters.  Canada doesn't muck around, it seems.

Contrary to expectations, Big Turk was not in fact a large, hairy man from Turkey who wanted me sit in a steamy room clad only in a little white towel.

It was, in fact, chocolate flavoured Turkish delight.  You can't get much better than that.  I mean you can get better.  Just not much better.

I was very pleased.  It was delicious.  So delicious, that I only saved Dr K a very tiny bit at the end!  Yum.

Eat More looks quite a lot like sawdusty turd, but it's actually pretty tasty.  It a sort of gooey brown...  er...  goo with nuts in it.

I liked it, although not as much as Big Turk.  And I'll take a Snickers over it any day.

I have to admit that I was a little put off by the packaging on this one.  It felt a little too bossy for my tastes and, indeed after I'd sampled it, I decided to rebel and not eat any more at all. Dr K polished it off though, which just goes to show that you can polish off a turd.

Canada did well, scoring 4.5 out of 5 and getting itself a nice solid GREEN!  Big Turk For The Win!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #25: Finland Redux

I haven't had much luck with sweets from the Finnish corner of the world. Apparently they think that liquorice and salt make a good combination.

Fortunately, I know better and have been able to put them in their place.

Now, I have a bag of chocolatey treats from Finland. I've been quite looking forward to these. They look like they're going to be chocolate covered crisps...

Which sounds AWESOME!

Look.  They even look delicious out of the bag:

Well...  except for that oddly crippled looking one at the bottom.  But mostly they look delicious.

Oh dear.  Finland, you've done it again.  Yuck.  Chocolate covered crisps are not good.  And inexplicably chilli flavoured wheel shaped chocolate covered crisps are even worse.

RED, damn you.  RED!  And never darken my door with your horrible foreign sweets again!

There is an upside to the horribleness of Finland's horrible foreign sweets. I've coined the verb 'to Finland'.  Which means 'to throw something in the bin with extreme prejudice'.

So...  I Finlanded Finland's horrible foreign sweets.

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #24: Japan Redux

It's been a while since I reviewed some horrible foreign sweets, hasn't it?

Well, this week I have loads to review, so you're getting a review a day until they're all gone.  This will be a very intense burst of horrible sweetness.  This much horrible sweetness in such a short period is potentially harmful.  I do a dangerous job.  You should be grateful that I have taken on the responsibility so you don;t have to.  Grateful, I say.

Anyway...  today I will be sampling some more of Japan's offerings.

You may recall that Japan previously got an Amber rating due to the mediocrity of the sweets that I sampled.  I wonder if they'll be able to nudge it up into the Green?

Well, I have two sweets here, so they have two chances to get promoted.  Lets hope they don't screw it up by say, making one of them tomato flavoured.

Oh no!

It was, quite honestly one of the most horrible things I've ever put in my mouth.  And I've put some pretty horrible things in my mouth - fish and licorice to name a couple.  This was definitely up there with those.

The yellow sweet was pineapple flavoured and not offensive at all. But the damage has been done, Japan.  You are being relegated to RED until such time as you can redeem yourself with something so awesomely delicious that I simply can't deny you a green!

Who's going to be next?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #23: Morocco

I bet you thought that I'd given up on my mission to eat the world's sweets.

Well you were wrong.  I just hadn't persuaded any of my flunkies to get off their lazy arses and visit a new country for me.

What you see here are sweets from Morocco.  My younger brother visited with his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago.  The spent some days in Marrakesh, a few days on the beach and some more in the mountains, where they saw a goat in a tree and were a little put out that no-one was surprised.

But no-one cares about whether they had a good time or not.  You're here to read about their horrible sweets.  And read about their horrible sweets you will.

The bag on the left in the picture above contained some nutty nougat:

Looks a bit like stones, right?  I was briefly worried that my brother was playing some sort of lithiculinary prank on me, but I soon ascertained that they weren't bits of limestone through the scientific method of... well, putting them in my mouth.

It was okay.  I mean, I've had nougat before and this was definitely it.  If anything, it was bit sweeter than I'm used to.  It's not my favourite sweet.

The other bag was the usual mix of generic chewy and boiled sweets.  They were identical to every other generic bag of chewy and boiled sweets that I've had from around the world and I simply can't be bothered to write about them!

So, all in all, I think Morocco gets a three out of five.

Points for improvement:  maybe consider some sort of chocolate product.  Maybe with peanut butter in.

Here's the updated map:

You'll note that I've included the disputed Western Sahara area, which is administered by Morocco.  This is for no political reason, but rather because it makes  my map look fuller and more colourful.

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #22: South Korea

Just a quickie today as I'm off to London in a bit.

One of Dr K's workmates went to South Korea. Obviously I scrounged some sweets.

These little delicacies are orange chocolate, apparently.  The packaging is not the most impressive in the world and puts me in mind of those free choccies you get in restaurants when they give you the bill.

Inside was one pleasantly surprising chef and one boring square chocolate.  They both tasted of the same vaguely orangey chocolate and, because they'd been in the fridge were as hard as rock.

A little disappointing, I'm afraid, South Korea.  You only get a 3 and an amber.

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #21: United Arab Emirates

So my brother's girlfriend popped over to Abu Dhabi to see a relative and came back with some genuine Arab sweets.

Apparently it was quite hard to locate genuine local sweets over there as the supermarkets are full of the ubiquitous Haribo and Dairy Milk. But they persevered and here's what they came up with:

These are basically squished up dates, rolled around in various toppings.

While they look quite pretty in the box, I'm gonna be honest and say that in close up, some of those 'toppings' look suspiciously like they may have been floor sweepings at some point.

Not only do these look like massively compressed dates, they taste like it too. You won't be wanting more than one or two of these at a time. Not unless the toilet is one of your favourite places.

I don't mind dates, but I think they're pretty boring - the toppings on these don't add much to the whole dating experience. I get the impression that the natives of Dubai don't have quite as sweet a tooth as me.

So, the UAE only scores a 3. If I was them, I would be happy enough with that. At least they're not Sweden!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #20: Scotland

Today we head up north to the Bonnie highlands of Scotland to see what horrible sweets they have to offer.

And apparently, what they have to offer is something called a 'butter tablet'.

 I'm assured that butter tablet is delicious, especially when it's home-made by one of your mate's mum, and washed down with a lovely mug of tea.

And here it is in it's naked glory.  I had to cut it up into bite sized chunks.  It was really really hard, rather like a brick.

The tea was an excellent idea, because the butter tablet was rather sweet.  And when I say 'rather sweet', I mean sweeter than two hundred and ninety eight sugar cubes compressed into one little bite sized chunk.  Surely, man was never meant to taste this much sweetness all at once!

It really can't be overstated just how sweet this little mofo is.

Well, okay.  It can.  Two hundred and ninety nine sugar cubes compressed into one bite sized chunk may have been slightly sweeter than a Scottish butter tablet.

Fortunately I had my tea to wash away the incredible sweetness.  And anything that gives me an excuse to drink tea gets at least 4 out of 5.

So...  it's a green for Scotland!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #19: France

Ahh...  France.  The strange country that lies just south of the British Isles.  Based on my sweet haul so far, it seems to be a really popular holiday destination.

First up are two very similar packages from my brother and my boss respectively:

These are the ubiquitous generic bags of sweets that often come back from overseas vacations.  They're quite nice in and of themselves, but not enough to raise a country's score to the revered green status.  I won't review the individual sweets, except to say that they're a mixture of fruity boiled and chewy sweets with a few 'milky' ones thrown in for good measure.

What really makes France stand out, though, are these gorgeous little beauties:

Nutty chocolate always goes down well.  And when it's the size of a golf ball, it goes down even better!

So...  for it's delicious golf-ball sized chocolates, France gets a solid 5 out of 5 and an emerald hue!

Well done.

I'm slowly getting through my backlog of sweets.  Hopefully, now the summer's over, people will stop going on holiday!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #18: Nederlands Redux

You may remember that when I previously reviewed sweets from the Nederlands, I discovered that they were actually from England.

Now I've had the opportunity to check out some real Dutch sweets. Look:


I imagine that Schuimkabouters is Dutch for 'miniature severed gnome heads'.


And this is what they looked like in person. Severed gnome heads. Why the very thought of them made my mouth water.

Sadly, they were made of goddamn liquorice. LIQUORICE! Why do they hate me so much??? It was like chewy, sugar coated weasel leavings! Ugh.

I hate you, Nederlands. Here - have a 1 out of 5 and a big fat RED! You should never have come back for a second try!

The Relative Horribleness Of Foreign Sweets #17: Cybertron

You know Cybertron, right?

It's a planet on the other side of the galaxy and is home to giant, warring, transforming robots.

Here's a picture of the planet:





Today, I am reviewing sweets from this delightful holiday spot, supplied by a friend who has, presumably, visited on a holiday. I wonder if there's a toll on the space bridge.





Anyway, the sweets came in a bag that was clearly marked as originating from Autobot territory.





Inside the outer wrapping were two enticing looking packets. One contained fizzy cola bottles and the other a curious looking green sweet.





On closer inspection, the curious looking green sweet turned out to be a dragon. It was hard, so I assume it to be a boiled sweet of some sort.





One of the more curious things about the curious looking green sweet was the fact that it transformed into a robot thing. A rubbish robot thing, but a robot thing, nonetheless!





Sadly, it tasted very plasticky and no matter how hard I sucked, it never got any smaller. In the end I gave up trying to eat it.

I think Cybertronian sweets are best suited to the Transformer palate and not to the casual space-traveller and so, I'm unable to recommend them.

Sorry, Cybertron. You get a 1 out of 5 and a lovely red hue.

Because Cybertron isn't on Earth and can only be accessed through space travel or over a space bridge, I had a little difficulty placing it on the sweet map. In the end, I settled for the highly scientific method of sticking it wherever it would fit!