Today I shall tell you about my latest numptic incident. It's a doozie, it really is. But I should warn you that despite thinking that I was the biggest numpty in town, I found myself reliant on two, yes two, people that proved to have enough numptocity to go around an entire continent. Twice.
Important Note: Please do not continue if you are allergic to numpties in any way. Extreme numptiness follows. You have been warned. I am not responsible for any adverse reactions to the numptiness displayed in this post.Now, then. Stead was dropping his girlfriend's car off at the garage for it's MOT and needed a lift the rest of the way into work. Being the nice guy that I am, I obliged and dropped him off at his office before parking in the underground car-park next door.
No numptiness so far.
Fast forward to 4.20pm. I'm meeting Stead in the lobby of his building. Both of us are looking foward to getting home nice and early. Down we go into the underground car park...
...only to find that the portable fan that I purchased to keep my car warm had been left switched on and plugged into the cigarette lighter
all day. Well, as you can imagine, we were most impressed. But not overly concerned as we figured that we could just bump-start it and be on our way. So we tried.
Sadly we were unsuccessful. But Stead had a brainwave. Many of these places have a jump starter kit for just these circumstances. So off he jogged to the office to see if he could obtain it. And obtain it he did from the helpful gentleman manning the office.
But nothing's ever simple if it can possibly find a way not to be, is it? No, the immobiliser that had been fitted to my car in ages past had decided to reset itself, rendering the ignition of the car useless.
At this point it looked like we were going to have to call out the nice people at the AA, which would mean waiting around for a while. Now this was a concern as we had already paid for our parking on our return to the car-park and now had an invalid ticket. So we checked with the attendant who assured us that when the AA turned up he
would be more than happy to let us out with his override key and, if the AA arrived after the end of his shift at 6, the attendant who took up after him would do the same.
At this point, an issue around Stead's car arose, as such things are wont to do in times of crisis. The garage was closing at 5 and without a car available, we were unable to get there in time. So we rushed back to the office and had a quiet word with the nice receptionist who cadjoled a passing banker into driving us to the garage, which he very kindly did.
Splendid. Got car. Phoned the AA. 1 hour, tops. Will phone when he arrives. Super. Back to office. Coffee in the warm.
1 hour later...
...not a peep from the AA. So we phoned 'em back and queried it. The operator tried to call the 'mobile engineer', but couldn't raise him. So we decided to wander outside and see if he was just lost, or something. And there he was, sitting outside the office, presumably waiting for us to come and find him. Well, find him we did. Then he refused to drive into the underground car park because there was only 2.2 metres clearance and his van was 2 metres tall.
'It's a bit tight,' he said.
'You have 20 centimetres clearance,' we said.
'Yes,' he said. 'But it's a bit tight.'
'You have 20 centimetres clearance,' we said.
'Yes,' he said. 'But I had a mate who got stuck in an underground car-park once because there wan't enough clearance.'
'But you have 20 centimetres clearance,' we said, hoping that the old adage 'third time lucky' might apply in this situation.
'I'll just walk down there,' he said. 'Do you think I'll need my tools?'
'You just might,' we affirmed, desperate to get out of the cold.
So off we went to the car park, where my little car was sitting, forlorn and despondent.
Well, needless to say, after an hour of poking around, the AA man was unable (or, as I suspect, unwilling) to solve the immobilizer problem. This later turned out to be a good thing, as you will see. The decision was taken simply to tow me home. This involved a lot of umm-ing and ahh-ing about whether 20 centimeters was enough clearance and so-on. Eventually though, he conceded and brought his van down.
Now, it was past 6 at this point and our friendly car-park attandant had ended his shift, so I popped into the office to check in with the guy that had taken over. This man, it turned out, was the ultimate numpty. Forget me. Forget the AA man. This man took the grand prize. And this is why:
I went to the office and attempted to get his attention by knocking on the open door. No response. So I banged harder. No response. So I called out, 'Excuse me'. Still nothing. 'Helloooo,' I shouted. This prompted a surpised start from the man, who turned around looking bewildered and possibly slightly frightened. Clearly when he took the job he expected the role to consist exclusively of sitting in his chair watching crap telly all night.
I explained the situation to him, that we had returned to the car-park to find that the car had broken down and that we had been waiting for the AA to come and tow me out. Whilst our ticket had expired, the previous attendant had assured us that this was a common enough problem and that we would be let out with no problems.
'Ok,' said the new attendant.
'So,' I explained, 'When the AA van comes up to the exit, I'd be really grateful if you could just open the barrier for him and we'll be on our way.'
'Ok,' said the new attendant.
'Thanks for your help,' I said, then added a 'Mate,' on the end just to make him feel a little more at ease.
So, having been coupled to the AA van, with me providing steering and braking services from the comfort of my (now freezing) car, we approached the barrier. Which failed to open.
After waiting a few moments, the AA man tooted his horn, to no avail. Fortunately a second toot, a minute or so later, brought the attendant out of the office with sat same startled expression on his face.
'What do you want?' he asked the AA man.
'For you to let me out,' the AA man told him.
'Ain't you got a ticket?' asked the attendant.
'No," explained the AA man, 'This gentleman just cleared it with you.' and waved his hand in my direction.
Clearly confused, the attendant came over to the car. 'What's the problem?' he asked.
'We just talked about this," I said. "You were going to use your override to let us out.'
"Ain't you got a ticket?' he asked.
'Yes,' I growled through gritted teeth. 'But it expired at 4.30.'
'So how,' mused the attendant, 'are we going to sort this out?'
'Well,' said I, somehow resisting the urge to improve the gene pool by murdering him horribly, 'As we discussed not three minutes ago in your office, you were going to raise the barrier so we could get out. I cleared it with the guy who was on before you.'
'Nobody said anything about it to me' complained the attendant.
'Look,' I reasoned, 'If you just open the barrier and let us through, we'll be out of your hair in no time. And I'd be very grateful.'
Grumbling, the attendant slouched back to the barrier and produced a card.
'Here, that is going to let both of us through, isn't it?' asked the AA man, who had clearly had experience of such things.
'Yes,' the attendant assured him. And, inserting the card, the barrier was raised. We pulled forward...
...only to have the barrier come crashing down onto the roof of my car.
'Hmmm,' The attendant ruminated for a moment. 'That's what happens when you try to get 2 cars through the gate.'
Fortunately, no damage had been sustained, so we went on our way without the requirement to commit homicide. And equally fortunately, it turned out that one of the other immobiliser keys I had at home was a master key with which I was able to start the car, once it had some charge in it. Yay.
So, rather than a nice quick trip home, allowing me to have an enjoyable and, more importantly, lengthy evening, it was about quarter to 8 before I got home. Still... to make up for it, I went for a curry, which was nice...
