Bribery

From the Guardian Website:

...we invite the views of chirpy good grub for kids champ Jamie Oliver on the news that Archbishop Thurston school in Hull has boosted attendance rates for its latest series of Sats from 82% to a majestic 99% by the simple but undeniably effective expedient of offering 13- and 14-year-olds free bacon or sausage butties for breakfast. Grand.

How come I was never bribed to go to school with bacons buns? Hmm? This is positively unfair and I'm very upset about it, dammit. I shall be writing to my MP.

Er... I suspect that the response will be along th lines of 'What do you care? you're 30.'; but there's a principle at stake here. Something about human rights or civil rights of bacon bun rights or something.

Pff.

Down Under (Finally)

So, here's my summary of the grand Andipodean adventure:



I managed to swing an invite to a pub crawl with the Perth female hockey team – eleven of the loveliest young ladies I've seen for a while. It was one of those party bus deals where a bus takes you to various pubs and clubs. It was a wonder to behold!

And I went on a day trip to the pinnacles desert – it was a long drive in a coach and there were several scheduled stops for tea and the like. This German girl who was on the tour with me, kept making me cups of tea and fruit juice and stuff, but she wouldn't talk to me. Very strange. Then we stopped at a beach and she stripped down to an astonishingly skimpy bikini, which kinda made my day! Heh heh heh…

I swam with dolphins, which was very cool (although not particularly life changing – not really sure why people make such a fuss about it), went to Perth Mint where I got to play with a freshly made bar of gold worth about £100k – that was jolly heavy, went to the zoo, where an elephant thought it would be funny to squirt water at me… did you know that elephants laughed? Well they do. And I took a fantastic picture of a Tasmanian devil while I was there.

I took a little 4 seater plane over to Rottnest Island off which is the world's most southerly coral reef and did a bit of reef snorkelling there - there were some very large fish there. No sharks though. They did have quokkas – little rodenty things - on the island, which are indigenous only to that island, which is about 2 miles across. I think that makes them officially endangered.

I went to Fremantle Prison where I saw many tiny cells and some lovely gallows. Then I went back a week later and went on their torchlight tour, which, contrary to the name, actually took place mostly in pitch darkness and featured many strange noises, people jumping out at me through doors and an excess of amateur theatrics which were terribly amusing!

I met a man from Stevenage called Barry who managed to persuade a travel agent to pay for his flights and accommodation around Oz and NZ on the condition that he wrote it up for them… how cool is that? I have to get myself a deal like that!

I visited Perth Mint, where I handled a rather large gold bar worth about £100k and met a man with no hand.

I also spent much time on the beach and have almost no tan to show for it, went sandboarding down the biggest sand dunes I've ever seen, also persuaded the tour guide to let me drive his off-road vehicle on said dunes, consumed much barbequed food, visited the oldest pub in West Australia and heard Kylie being played on at least 400 separate occasions!

I'll add some pictures to this entry when I get around to uploading them to the net!

Health Checks and Nudity

So we had a roadshow in the office today, promoting Fitness First. I went along cos I get a free green stress ball.



Anyways, they did a bunch of lovely tests on me and I have some numbers for ya:

Peak Flow (lung capacity): 700 – this was off their scale and the best they’ve seen today! Yay, me!
Blood Pressure: 153/78. Top number’s a bit on high side, but could have been affected by the caffeine in the large cup of tea and the coffee I’ve drunk this morning.
Heart Rate: 68. Spot on.
Body Fat: 24.6%. Top end of acceptable. So I’m not tubby. So there!
BMI: 28.4. High. But it doesn’t allow for muscle mass. At all. Despite the girl in there telling me that it did account for muscle mass. Oddly enough, she couldn’t explain how…

So… anyway. I’m doing ok. Just need to get back into the running.

On a slightly different note...

Nude bather cleared of exposure

A district nurse has been cleared by a court of indecent exposure after sunbathing naked in her back garden.
Lynett Burgess, 55, from Llandyfriog, near Cardigan in west Wales, was filmed by a "shaken" neighbour in July 2005 and was charged by police.
The prosecution at Cardigan Magistrates Court said Ms Burgess's nude sunbathing was "not normal" behaviour.
But magistrates cleared her, adding that it was accepted she did not intend to "cause harm or distress".
The court heard that Ms Burgess's next-door neighbour Morien Jones, 34, filmed her sunbathing naked and took the video to police.
Father-of-three Mr Jones told magistrates: "I was renovating the back of my home with a local builder when Ms Burgess appeared in her garden.
"She walked back and fore completely naked - I went to get my video camera to record the incident.
"I have been extremely shaken by this. It has been very upsetting and worrying. I don't want to bring up my children in such an environment."
The film was shown to magistrates who were asked to decide whether Ms Burgess had offended anyone...

...Trevor Emberton, chairman of Cardigan magistrates, told her: "You have admitted sunbathing naked from time to time and that this has become a normal pattern.
"We do not accept you intended to cause harm or distress and therefore find you not guilty."

(Nicked from the BBC)

Now, come on. People filming their neighbours sunbathing nude in the privacy of their own back gardens? That's not normal behaviour. I can understand a complaint about someone sunbathing nude in public, but in their own back garden?

"I have been extremely shaken by this. It has been very upsetting and worrying."

What a load of old bollocks. I'm sorry, but there it is!

And In Other News...

A number of interesting(ish) news articles came to my attention today:

Cabbies can't wear World Cup garb

BLACKPOOL, England, May 20 (UPI) -- Taxi drivers in Blackpool, England, say a law barring any clothing supporting the British World Cup soccer team is unfair.

The Blackpool Council ruled any shirt with the word England, the Saint George Cross or the Three Lions shield may anger Welsh or Scottish visitors during the contentious soccer championships.

The Daily Mail reports London cabbies are not under the rule, which a 42-year-old Blackpool taxi driver called "barmy."

He found out about the rule when an officer suspended him until he changed out of a t-shirt with the word England on it.

The head of Blackpool's taxi association, Trevor Boaler, called on the council to draw down its ruling.

(nicked from UPI.com)

Now, I don't really give a toss about the world cup and my personal opinion is that anyone who wears a football shirt for anything other then playing football or attending a football match is posessed of dubious taste, but this seems tad out of order. Tell me again who's gonna be offended?

I guess that all football shirts will have to be banned in case the supporter of another team happens to see it and be driven into a blind rage. And perhaps I should chuck away my T-Shirt with the union jack on it just in case a french person walks past and becomes angry.

Frankly, whether we're talking Scots, Welshmen or Outer bloody Mongolians, if you come to England during the World Cup you're gonna have to accept that you're gonna see the George's cross or the three lions and the only peopel who would find this in any way offensive are clearly nuts. Or middle class white Daily Mail readers.

Just imagine the reaction if Americans were banned from displaying the stars and stripes in case it offends a visitor.

(A quick google suggested that this rule has been extended to Cheltenham as well, although I can't find any proper news pages to confirm it.)

Sarah didn't get the hump when taxi driver gave fare share of advice

At 19 stones, Sarah Bramhall was under no illusions about her size, but it took a humiliating encounter with a town centre taxi driver to shock her into action.

The 36-year-old was looking forward to a rare girls' night out. The cab was booked but when it arrived the driver refused to take her unless she agreed to get out at every speed bump.

Humiliated and horrified, Sarah had no other option but to agree. Little did she know that walking those few short yards would be the beginning of her journey to a new life.

A year on and the neonatal nurse and mum-of-two, from Avery Close, Padgate, has now lost six-and-a-half stones after enrolling at her local Slimming World group.

And she is so confident about her new look that she is to become a Slimming World consultant so that she can encourage other women to change their lives.

(nicked from thisischeshire.co.uk)

Heh. After I finished chuckling at the taxi-drives tact and subtlety, I had to nod to myself and say 'good on you, Sarah Bramhall'.

This story allows me to highlight my opinion that we all have a responsibility to let our friends and family know that they are getting tubby before they reach 19 stone. I speak from experience, here.

And finally:

Ex-wives win key divorce rulings

The Law Lords have ruled two ex-wives are entitled to their former husbands' millions in landmark rulings.
Melissa Miller can keep the £5m she was awarded out of her ex-husband Alan's £17.5m fortune, said the lords.

Julia McFarlane is entitled to £250,000 a year from her ex-husband Kenneth for life - not just the five years decided by the Court of Appeal.

The House of Lords' decisions could have far-reaching implications for future big money divorce settlements.

'Stay-at-home mothers'

Mrs McFarlane had argued she gave up a high-earning career when she married 18 years earlier.

After the ruling, she said: "Obviously I am very happy."

Her lawyer James Pirrie described the judgement as "groundbreaking".

"Until today, maintenance for stay-at-home mothers was going to be based purely on living expenses.

"Now judges must consider as well contribution and compensation. For people like Julia this is only fair.

"The judgement recognises her sacrifice and that marriage is a partnership," Mr Pirrie said.

He said it had been a joint decision with her husband that she give up her career to raise their children, which enabled him to increase his earning power.

"Isn't it fair that she should receive a fair share of that?," he said.

He said the ruling was at odds with divorce law in the rest of the world, but the Law Lords' ruling showed that the world was now out of step.

Mr McFarlane said: "Whilst I am glad that the judgement of the House of Lords today brings these matters to a close, I preferred the Court of Appeal's recognition that the achievement of financial independence at the earliest opportunity was a vital part of a fair outcome.

"I now look forward to enjoying life, once again, away from the media spotlight, with my lovely wife and family."

His lawyer, Jeremy Levison, said there was "some optimism" in the "extremely complicated judgements" as they did not necessarily mean that Mrs McFarlane would continue to receive payments for life.

"The court says that as and when the children are a bit older and her child-looking-after obligations diminish, they rather expect her to return to work to help herself."


High standard of living

In the Miller case, Mr Miller challenged an earlier court order that he pay his ex-wife the £5m after their brief marriage failed.

The Millers, who lived in Chelsea, London, were married for two years and nine months and had no children when they split.

A judge had decided Mrs Miller was entitled to a substantial settlement because she married with "reasonable expectation" of a future wealthy lifestyle.

The judge had also cited Mr Miller's adultery as a factor in the award.

After Wednesday's ruling, Marcus Dearle, a family lawyer who works at the firm representing Mrs Miller, said: "What actually happened, at the end of the day, was that the judge focused on the high standard of living that Mrs Miller and Mr Miller enjoyed, and also the fact that a lot of money was earned in that very short... marriage."

Family lawyer Alan Kaufman said one key issue arising from the rulings was that conduct would not be considered in dividing assets, unless it was extreme conduct.

However, Mr Kaufman said: "These cases are very limited to the big money cases, except the issue of conduct applies to all divorces.

"Lawyers are going to be very happy with what the House of Lords have said because nobody wanted to go into any divorce situation, going back over the past with recriminations and who was to blame for the breakdown.

"We don't like doing it and thankfully in most cases we won't be doing it in the future."

The ruling is being seen as the Lords' most significant rulings on divorce in five years.

Observers have speculated on the importance of the rulings to any divorce hearing between former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney, said to be worth an estimated £800m, and his wife Heather Mills.

(nicked from BBC News)

Well a couple of issues come to mind here...

"He said it had been a joint decision with her husband that she give up her City career to raise their children, which enabled him to increase his earning power."

Increase his earning power? I should think that his earnings potential remained exactly the same. In fact it would probably have been even higher if he hadn’t married and had kids.

"A judge decided Mrs Miller was entitled to a substantial settlement because she married with "reasonable expectation" of a future wealthy lifestyle."

Well. That says it all really, doesn’t it. “she married with "reasonable expectation" of a future wealthy lifestyle”.

"The judge also cited Mr Miller's adultery as a factor in the award."

Interesting, this. I wonder if it would have been a factor if it had been her who cheated.

MURDER!

I have just murdered this poor, defenceless banana. I ignored its pleas, begging me not to rip its skin off and relished it's agonised squeals as I bit into its fleshy insides.

Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Greetings from Down Under

I think it's only fair to point out to all those people who don't read my blog (which I suspect is everybody but me) that my latest excuse for my irregular posting is that I'm on holiday in Australia. Cool, huh?
Anyway, suffice it to say that It's jolly hot, I'm going rather red in the sun and I'm having lots of barbies. I will post many interesting details of my trip upon my return. In the meantime, I must find a way past the blocks that this library (with free internet access) has inexplicably put on web mail.