Irking - Part Two: Cocknology

You know how you're using your computer to do a task that you've done hundreds of times before, in exactly the same way as you have done hundreds of times before and yet, by some quirk of fate, it doesn't bloody work!

Happens to me all the time.

Part of my day job is to run programs on a data warehouse. Many of them are standard programs that have been around for years and have worked just fine.

And then one day, they just don't work.

You don't get a helpful error message telling you what the problem is and which of the 300 lines of code it's in. Nuh-uh. You get something like this:



Later, at home, I'll be doing a spot of animation, and the lip synching software that usually does a dandy job, decides that it's going to put the mouths at a 45 degree angle and, just for fun, delete the eyes.

And then my phone informs me that i have no playlists despite the fact that they'rebright there, dammit!



Grr...

And there's my Sky box (PVR for my foreign readers). That just behaves like a dick all the time.



I think I may have worked out the common factor in all of this...

Irking - Part One: Cockbrella

I've had quite a bit of feedback though various channels that people are really missing my daily blog posts.

I've tried to explain that daily blogging is so 2011, but they won't have it.

I went on to point out that half of the fun in weekly blogging is the excitement and anticipation in the run up to the post on Sunday evening, but that was pooh-poohed.

Finally, I tried to appeal to common decency - daily blogging is really time consuming and creatively draining. They told me to go screw myself and get on with the damn blogging. And it had better be good, or a nut-kicking will ensue.

So for one week only, I'm going back to a daily blog format.

I have a theme for the week. Each post will address a single thing that irks me. And there will be a picture, because I know you like 'em! There may or may not be penises doing stuff!

So the first irking thing on my list is people insisting that I write daily blogs! Wankers!

Just kidding.

Actually, the first thing on my list is umbrellas. Because they're frickin' stupid.

I mean they keep the rain off if it's coming straight down. But when is the rain ever coming straight down? If it's raining, it's always bloody windy as well. So the rain just comes underneath em and gets you wet anyway. Stupid umbrellas.

But the biggest problem I have with umbrellas is the people underneath them. They're invariably dicks. Cue inevitable willy picture:

Here's a couple of examples of umbrella-wielding dickishness:

People invariably wield umbrellas at my head height and are oblivious to the fact that I'm in danger of losing an eye from the weaponised pointy bits around the outside.

Bristol has quite a lot of pedestrian sections that are half covered. This is handy when it's raining, because you can avoid getting wet. But there's only room for half the pedestrians under them. Guess where all the umbrella wielders walk!

So the moral for today is... Stop wielding umbrellas and get a hood. Or a hat. Or just get wet. It's not that bad!

Olympricks

I think it's about time I wrote a few words about the Olymprick Games that we're hosting in the UK this year.

I'm very excited about them.  So excited in fact, that I did a little picture of the Olymprick Rings for you!

How cool are they?  All those pretty colours representing all the pricks in the world coming together.

I don't know what my favourite Olymprick event is.  It could be hurdling.  I do like to see lots of pricks trying to jump over little fences in order to beat all the other pricks to the finish line.  I especially like it when they fall over.

Look: here's a hurdling prick.  See how he leaps gracefully over his little fence, his hair streaming out behind him!

I quite like the swimming too.  All those pricks splashing about in the water!  They look like they're having so much fun!

And then there's the cycling. Wow! Look at him go. He's so streamlined with his shiny, purple helmet!

Most of all, I like the little ceremony at the end where the winner stands on the podium all tall and proud and erect with his gold medal gleaming in the sunlight.

You'll note that all of the events depicted in this blog post were men's events.  This is not due to any misogyny on my part.  Just think about it for a moment... ask yourself if you really want to see a vagina throwing the javelin or doing a triple jump into a pit of sand? Well, do ya?

Oh, you sick, filthy bastards!

They Call Me 'Three Castles' Morrissey

No, really. They do. 

Well... when I say 'they' I mean...  er...  me...

But I'm calling myself 'Three Castles' Morrissey this week because I went to see not one, not two but THREE awesome castles over the weekend.

It's became a bit of a tradition between Dr K and me to take each other on a little mystery trip to celebrate our respective birthdays.  And Dr K took me to Yorkshire.  And you know what?  You can't take more than  about three steps in Yorkshire without tripping over an awesome castle.

So, yeah.  We saw some castles.  Here's one:  It's Middleham Castle:

You can climb up bits of it.  So we did.  And here's a picture of the view:

It doesn't show, but it was hailing and blowing a gale when I took that picture.

Middleham Castle was home to Richard III.  I met him.  He seemed pretty 'armless, if you ask me.

Next up was Richmond Castle.  It had a full on tower, which was ace!  Here's Dr K being a monster, next to it.  Man, she's tall!

Since I'm not a humongous giant like Dr K, I had to climb up the tower to get up high. If you look really carefully, you can see me at the top in this photo:

Here's Richmond from the top of that tower.  It hailed on me while I was up there.

Finally, we went to see Bolton Castle which is in Castle Bolton.  Figure that one out.  Anyway - here's me pretending it's Moo Castle!

And, mostly because I've set the precendent with the other two castles, here's the view from the top.  In it, Dr K is taking a picture of me taking that picture.

 And here is the picture that Dr K took:

While we were up there, we also took a pretty rubbish picture of ourselves. We're a cute couple huh? It didn't hail on us, but damn, it was cold!

I'm not just obsessed with the top of castles though. Here's me in the very lowest point I could find. The beer cellar!

You will be pleased to know that I was able to locate a cream tea in the castle tearooms, which were a little bit like having lunch in a big stone refrigerator.

 We didn't just go to castles while we were there.  We also paid a visit to The Forbidden Corner which, it turned out was exactly the opposite of forbidden - they really wanted us in there. Almost as if it was a tourist attraction.

Anyway, The Forbidden Corner bills itself as 'the strangest place in the world'.  I dunno.  They've obviously never been to my house on a Tuesday evening, but there was a pretty odd collection of stuff in there.

Here, for example, is a creepy bearded bloke pointing the way.  And he's standing in front of a big bearded man carved out of a tree, who is also pointing the way..

And here's Dr K being eaten by...  well, I'm not sure what she's being eaten by.  But she came out of the other end just fine, so I guess she's pretty indigestible.

Here's the latest fashion in archways.  Fancy one of these over the door to your ensuite?  The dragons, I mean, not me.

 Here I am making eye contact with a naked lady. I'm very good at making eye contact as all of my female friends will affirm...  ahem...

Here is a pretty little garden with a pretty little Doctor in it.

And here is a fountain.

And here is...  er...  a... well it's obviously a...  nope... I give up.  I sat on it, anyway.

There was a Roman garrison there.  I don't think they were particularly pleased to see me.

As a point of interest, I had a very wet groin at the time that photo was taken.  There was a watery incident.  I will let you read into that whatever you like, but I can pretty much guarantee that you're wrong.

I have a lot more photos of the place, but I'm running out of time and space, so I'll quickly tell you about my curry:

It wasn't just any curry.  It had venison in it and it was delicious.  I only had venison because they'd run out of ostrich.

If I had one complaint about the weekend, it would be that Dr K managed to find the cottage with the most uncomfortable sofa on the planet.  Her side seemed fine, but mine was trying to kill me. I'm sure of it:

I will leave you with a delightful picture of Dr K.  She's so very pretty.

Stand By...

You're probably thinking: I've been waiting all week for a blog post and all I get is a crappy three line post.

And you're right. In a way. This is a short post. But in another way, you're wrong. As wrong as a nude centrefold of your mum, or a fat man (me) in speedos, or a curry made from fish.

You see, I'm on holiday this weekend and I don't get home until tomorrow. And, as is traditional, I shall be sharing my holiday experience with you. But as my holiday isn't finished yet, I can't finish the blog post.

So hold your horses, keep your pants on and unbunched and stop fretting. You will get an excellent blog post tomorrow evening.

Location:Yorkshire

I've Been Ruined

I wrote a lovely, long post earlier.  It was awesome.  It was a rant about a bunch of things that were annoying me at the moment.  Sadly, the Evil Cabal Of Evil had other ideas, and amongst other things, deleted my little piece of literary genius before I could share it with you.

Also, they somehow disabled the IR function of the wireless video sender that I bought this weekend shortly after I'd got it working perfectly.  And they made my computer crash every half an hour or so while I was trying to animate.

So that was nice.  At least I know they haven't left me, which is good, I guess.

Anyway, instead I have for you a few thoughts on Dr K:

Dr K is particularly lovely.  In fact she's so lovely that I've been ruined for all the other girls:

The come up to me an they're all like: 'Hey Dazza you're so handsome that bits of me tingle when I think about you.'

And I'm like 'Ew, no, you repulse me because you are not as lovely as Dr K!'

But when I see Dr K, I am not repulsed at all, on account of her loveliness. I could ogle her all day.  In  fact sometimes I do.

And that's it for this week.  Ta ta.

In Which I Make Excuses For The Lateness Of This Blog Post

It hasn't gone unnoticed that the blog post due on Sunday did not appear in a timely fashion. In fact I had no less than seven people point it out to me with varying degrees of indignance.

I have some excuses prepared, two of which may be true:

1. The cake-sale-athon that appears to be taking place in my office meant that I was hospitalised with cake-poisoning, on account of eating too many cakes. What could I do though? I have a moral obligation to support charitable events even at the risk of my own health. My problem is that I care too much.
   
   
2. I actually wrote and published this post in plenty of time, however it was pulled into a temporal vortex and has only just emerged!
   
   
3. I was busy panic buying products (including but not limited to: spray starch, lemon curd, paving slabs, shoelaces, filing cabinets, sticking plasters, Twixes and beetroot) the availability of which may, at some point in the future be slightly affected by strike action, despite a lack of any actual information to support the assertion.
   
   
4. I was waiting to ask for the bill in one of those restaurants where physics defying waiters managed to busily have their backs to me at all times!
   
   
5. I couldn't see my computer past my beard.
   
   
6. Hans and his band of terrorists took over the office block in which Dr K works. Fortunately, Argyle had just dropped me off from the airport and, with the help of a portly child-killing cop, I was able to uncover the bad guys plan to steal all the bearer bonds in the basement and kill them all (although not before they killed Ellis) without even wearing shoes. So I was a bit too busy for blog posting!
   
   
7. I was the victim of a terrible accident involving a buttered goat and a very sharp wedge of cheese, which resulted in the loss of all of my fingers and three of my toes. Therefore I've had to type this post with my nose, which has taken 3 days, so far!
   
   
8. I had a visitor over the weekend. By the time he left I had to make the difficult choice of either writing a blog post or watching the first episode of the new season of Dexter. Obviously I chose to write the blog post... NOT!!!
   
   
9. I went for a curry with my bosses boss and his boss. It went on quite late, and I was far too tired to write a post by the time I staggered through my front door. Fortunately my bosses bosses boss paid for dinner which made up somewhat for the rather unpleasant brown stain on the end of my nose.