What Did They Think Was Going To Happen?

The people who plan what to put where in shops are really naive.

What made them think that it was a good idea to put a great big gong at the bottom of the escalators in John Lewis, with a mallet just sitting there, waiting to be percussively abused?

Oh, okay, the mallet was technically tied down, but that was never going to be an obstacle, was it?

Can you guess what happened next?



Let's just say that it drew some stern looks from the staff.

Dr K would like you to know that John Lewis also sell a nice line of cock rock:



That's all you're getting today!

A Tea For A Tea

Today was all about the strikes.

All those public servants were out protesting about the proposed penguin cuts and salami reductions. Honestly, do they really have nothing better to get upset about?



They should look at my problems. They're far more pressing. For example, I'm definitely not getting my fair share of tea at the moment! Yesterday, I made eleven cups of tea for various people. How many did I get in return?

Five.

And I made three of them! Shocking, isn't it?

Today was marginally better. Although I only got five again, of which I made three, I actually only made a total of nine cups. Even so, I think I should be receiving around the same number that I make.

Lazy Bastards

It used to be that when I got up in the morning I feared for my very life!

You see, wherever I stepped, there would be a cat under my foot. A hungry cat.

As I performed my necessaries in the bathroom, there would be a cat winding around my legs or jumping in the sink, making absolutely sure I knew that they were good and ready for their breakfast.

Walking down the stairs was to quite literally risk life and limb as the two cats joined forces to hasten my descent.

And then, as I prepare their delicious breakfast, they would circle like vultures, making their demands known at unpleasantly high frequencies.



But, just recently they seem to have lost their enthusiasm for turning my morning ablutions and stair traversal into a death defying fight for survival.

In fact more often than not, I can wee, wash, dress, tea, breakfast and provide Dr K with her morning cuppa before the furry little bastards even stir. If I'm lucky, Rochester will yawn at me.




I should be grateful really, I suppose. But there's something about avoiding 14 murder attempts before breakfast that gets me going in the morning. I miss it!

Oh My God, It's An Even Bigger One! And Other Stories

I started my day by finding an even bigger chair near the hotel restaurant. Obviously I had to make my boss take another photo!


With a start like this, I knew it was going to be a good day!

Our contact in the Chester office had informed us that the hotel we were staying at was 'just at the bottom of our car park'. Which was true, but what he didn't tell us was that there was an impenetrable fence between the hotel and the office car park that required us to wander the streets and canals of Chester for half an hour before we pretty much accidentally found an unlocked gate allowing us ingress.

Now, when my mum discovered that I was going to Chester for the day, she was a great pains to instruct me - at great painful length - to make sure I visit the Cathedral, the Tudor buildings and the City Wall. Despite my protestations that I would be tied up in a meeting and then getting home as quickly as possible and therefore would not have time to visit the Cathedral, the Tudor buildings and the City Wall, she insisted that visiting the Cathedral, the Tudor buildings and the City Wall were essential to my wellbeing and that should I not visit the Cathedral, the Tudor buildings and the City Wall, some unspecific unfortunateness might befall me. Maybe.

So these are for you, mum:


One cathedral.
One town hall (anyone wanting to do a bit of Boss Spotting is welcome to do so).


Some Tudor buildings.


Some more Tudor buildings.



Me looking unusually cool on the City Wall. (I think my boss has one leg shorter than the other, hence the 'arty' angle of this one! Actually, I kinda like it - it makes me look... jaunty...)

We had the top down most of the way home. I got even more sunburnt. I've never got sunburnt on a joll... er, business trip before.

One final thing, when I got home, I discovered that Dexter The Killing Machine had been cruelly efficient in my absence and left a small pile of corpses on the drive.

Oh My God, The Roof's Come Off! And Other Stories

I went to Leeds with my boss today. She drove which was nice, in a life-threatening sort of way.

You see, she hadn't fastened down the roof of her convertible*. And then we went on the motorway. And then hilarity ensued.

So further on in the journey, we had to stop for petrol. She put £20 worth in, refusing to fill it all the way because of the (expenses-claimable) cost of petrol at the Services. And then later, on the motorway, when her petrol gauge was hovering around zero, she refused to put more petrol in at the Services we were passing because it was too expensive.

We didn't actually run out of petrol, so she won on a technicality, but it was a very stressful twenty minutes driving around Leeds, which is, apparently, bereft of petrol stations!

And then we had our meeting with some Northerners. And then we headed back to the car, discovering half-way that she'd lost her car keys!

I'm being mean, really. I like my boss. I wouldn't trade her in for any of the other bosses. But she does live life like a Chinese proverb!

Now I'm in a hotel in Chester as we have a meeting with another Northerner in the morning.

As we (intentionally, this time) had the roof down for the final part of the journey to Leeds, I've caught the sun a bit. I didn't realise how much 'til I looked in the mirror just now. The top of my head is a bit red.

Here's the view out of my window.



There's a fountain. This place must be well posh.

Also, it's full of random tat. Like this giant chair that I forced my boss to photograph me in!



And this creepy wall feature is hanging over the bed:



To conclude, I give you the obligatory shower cap shot:





( * Don't get excited - it was a Ford Ka )

Sunday

12:04 - Eventually, the satnav took us on a circuitous route back to the centre of Southampton where I was able to direct Dr K onto the A35. We may make it back to the B&B before 1 rather than the originally expected 12.

08:43 - The B&B's policy of serving breakfast between 8:30 and 9:30 on a Sunday is cruel and unusual.

08:47 - Dr K has just discovered that she can put her shoes on before her jeans and then still get her jeans on. She's so clever. I can't do that!

09:45 - turns out the the B&B landlady makes weekly visits to Bedminster in Bristol to babysit her grandson. Small world.

Weekly, though...

10:30 - Arrived at Wilverley Inclosure. Inclosure. Not Enclosure. It keeps the ponies out, not in. Vermin. I should set Dex on 'em.

11:26 - drinking tea in a cafe in New Milton. Emms says she'll be joining us in five. Which makes me wonder what she's leaving out. I'm here in seven. Kaz is in eight.

Also, there is a ninja child outside. New Milton has become much more cosmopolitan since I left 11 and a half years ago.

13:45 - Roast beefs. Beefs are my favourite vegetable. And no, my steak excesses last night haven't put me off cow at all!

17:25 - The journey home went quickly, primarily because I slept most of the way! The cats don't seem excessively pleased at are return, focussing mainly on escaping opportunities.

17:45 - cafe tea and B&B tea and brother tea and mate tea are all very nice, but nothing quite beats Home Tea.

20:18 - Made Dr K beans on toast. Cut her toast into heart shapes. All she was interested in was what I'd done with the bits I'd cut out.

I'd eaten them.

Saturday

8.55 - Apparently we're married now. Dr K had a dream in which we got married in her mum's lounge. It's not really a dream location for a wedding (well, technically it was exactly that). Later, she went to the loo and found edible toilet paper made from recycled mobile phone batteries.

Unusually, I remember elements of my dream last night, too. I was staying in a hotel and, every time I went into the bathroom, I saw a child in the mirror, who wasn't there. It wasn't creepy, just odd. He was brushing his teeth.

Later, I worked out that it was actually an iPhone bug which meant that I could see videos recorded by other people in my hotel bathroom mirror. For some reason, I knew that this video belonged to my friend, Hannah although I'm unclear on just how I knew it.

It all made sense in the dream.

Back to real events: we're all breakfasted. Nothing of note took place, although the 'toast' was actually warm bread. now we have a couple of hours to kill before meeting my buddy, Stut.

9:36 - Look at my groyne:




10:20 - Beach done. Lots of joggers. Lots of jigglers...

Off to Poole now. I wonder if I can persuade Stut to go to the beach again!

10:58 - Westbourne is technically Poole, right? Anyway, everyone here needs facecloths, apparently.

12:25 - I was going to have soup. I really was. But they didn't serve soup 'til 12 so I was forced to have Dime Bar Cake.

Next stop... Hengistbury Head.

14:03 - Bakewell tart coffee?




16:22 - several teas have been drunk and stories exchanged. Now we're on the road again. Southampton and big brother's birthday celebration. Maybe more tea, as well.

19:23 - we're sitting outside a pub near the theatre in Southampton where they have a Michael Jackson show on. Dr K thinks it's a bit wrong that there are loads of kids walking past dressed as Michael Jackson.

19:42 - ew. I just saw a man's bottom.

20:30 - 16 oz. Before.




21:20 - 16 oz. After.




22:55 - Big brother refuses to believe that there is a road feature called a 'gyratory'.

23:15 - Egads! The motorway is closed and the sat nav is lost. Fingers crossed.

Friday

16:30 - I'm home. Hurriedly packing a bag with clean pants and stuff. Yay! I think I'll take my Batman pants and my Union Flag pants. You never know, I might get lucky and I wanna look my best.

I wonder what my chances of getting Dr K to drive down are...

16:55 - She took no persuading at all! Now I'm in the shed trying to figure out where she's hidden the automatic cat feeding device!

17:30 - Packing Dr K's boot is a bit like playing tetris. In other news, there's a cement mixing lorry doing it's dirty business on one of the neighbour's drives. Can't work out why.

Still, we're leaving now. We're on the road, baby!

17:55 - Just saw a cow having a poo in the field next to the motorway. Dirty bugger.

18:15






What's a Caution Horse?

18:33 - Melksham. I used to live here. I used to have dinners here. Which reminds me: I'm hungry.

19:00 - Yum. Just found a bag of crisps!

19:14 - More cows. Another one pooing. What is it with pooing cows today?

19:30 - No cows in Salisbury.

19:45 - But the cows in Fordingbridge definitely poo!

19:56 - Nearly there. I guess I'd better figure out where this B&B is.

20:05 - arrived at the B&B, but it's all closed up with a sign saying they'll be back soon. Oh well. I did tell them we'd be there at 9ish, so we can go and find some dinner and come back later.

20:10 - Italian... Closed.

20:15 - No room in the Thai.

20:20 - a sign at the pub:






20:25 - Curry it is! Woohoo!

21:45 - And a very tasty curry it was too.

We are now safely ensconced inside the 'Regan' suite of the White House B&B. I feel quite sorry for the people in the 'Nixon' suite across the hall.

22:15 - I just had half a shower. I got as far as washing my hair when the electric shower started to make a very scary whirring noise. The sort that makes you get out f the shower pretty sharpish in case it explodes.

On the basis that my pits don't smell too bad, I think I'll just settle for mentioning it in the morning.

Sleepy now. Night.

Here's The Plan

This weekend, I'm heading down to the deepest south to visit friends and family. I'm expecting it to be a busy blur of social activity!

So rather than doing a traditional blog post, I thought I'd have a go at what I'm going to call 'microblogging'. Basically I will post a short sentence or two telling what I'm up to in near-real time. A bit like tweeting, only much, much better.

I will start this evening when I get home from work and you will be treated to every mundane detail of my weekend. You can look in at any point and, hopefully will see something new every time!

There may be pictures.

Even More Things that People Say

"I'm so sleepy and you look so comfy." A friend referring to the cushion-like properties of my midsection.

"You should eat the evidence, Kaz. Whatever you've done, you should always eat the evidence." I give Dr K excellent advice all the time!

"I had such a bad day at work that I wanted to eat as many animals as I can."  Bezz once ate eight animals in one night.  Or was it nine...?

"Damn you and your silky lining!" A friend complaining that the shiny lining of my coat made it difficult to carry.  But it sounds ruder than that.

"I have tried to clean up my act, but a bird's got to fly, a fish has got to swim and I have to be filthy, inappropriate and childish." Jo, defending her behaviour.

"I don't think anyone will want me to access their dog, Kaz." I state facts, sometimes.  This is one of them.

"Tea was your downfall." A winning Scrabble opponent commenting on my habit for placing the word 'Tea' whenever it was possible.  This little OCD may have been my downfall.

"Holy Christmas Cakes!" An exclamation of surprise from Bezz.

"Karma. Not Korma. Never Korma." My response to a friend who suggested that a bad canteen curry experience might be karmic.