T.E.C.O.E. Part 4

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T.E.C.O.E. Part 3

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T.E.C.O.E. Part 2

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T.E.C.O.E. Part 1

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The Fortyists!

Take a look at this picture of some road signs:


What do they have in common?

Apparently they all mean that you should drive at precisely 40 miles per hour. At least according to the driver of the car in front of us all the way home today!

No matter what the posted speed limit, they drove along at 40. Grr. There were no points along the route where they could be safely overtaken, so we were stuck with it for miles!

It's not a one off event, unfortunately. There are hundreds of Fortyists out there, just waiting to create huge queues of traffic behind them on country lanes. I suspect they may have been employed by the Cartel as part of their dastardly conspiracy!

Genetic Discrimination (or 'Why I'm Not Allowed To Look At Boobies')

Boobies. They're brilliant, aren't they?

Unfortunately we're not allowed to look at them. If you do much as glance in their direction, somebody tuts or brings you up on a sexual harassment charge!

But millions of years of evolution have programmed men, at a genetic level to look at boobies!

So stop telling me off for looking at your cleavage lasciviously, because it makes you look like a sexist!

Armed And Dangerous

TOP SECRET
INTELLIGENCE REPORT

TO: HEAD OF MI5

FROM: TACTICAL WEAPONS AND TECHNOLOGY DIVISION

SUBJECT: CAMOUFLAGED URBAN WEAPON DEPLOYMENT BY FEMALE AGENTS

As requested, here is a brief update on the standard armaments issues to female agents in the field.

These items have been carefully designed by the Tactical Weapons and Technology Division to blend in with the accoutrements of the average female civilian in order to arm female and cross-dressing agents in a fashion that will allow them to defend themselves as well as carry out assassination assignments without drawing attention.

Each agent is issued with ten razor-sharp digit mounted blades, and one knuckle duster, disguised as a glittery finger adornment.


Agents have been trained to deploy these weapons by mimicking the handbag counterbalancing motion employed by civilians. This allows them to create a zone into which any intruder will be gouged, slashed, sliced, cracked or otherwise thumped.


While not usually fatal, any entry into this danger zone will almost certainly result in permanent scarring and probably concussion.

On occasion, a female agent will need to resort to the traditional bludgeoning technique in order to fend off an assailant or take out a larger opponent. For this eventuality, they have been supplied with a standard issue HB1 device:



This particular item has the benefit of being inexpensive and in plentiful supply, however it is not easily concealed about the person.

To counter this issue, many millions of pounds have been spent developing a repository that is both functional and practical. This repository has been code named HB2:





As you can see from these diagrams, HB1 is inserted into HB2, effectively concealing HB1, allowing agents to convey it about their person without arousing suspicion and further enabling the agent to deploy it as a mace.

In addition, female agents have been issued with 'flip-flop' footwear:


This footwear is designed to distract enemy operatives with a peculiar and unnatural sound while creating confusion with their bizzare and impractical appearance.

As discussed, the Tactical Weapons And Technology Division arranged for non-weaponised versions of all items mentioned in this report to be put into circulation among civilians a number of years ago, in order that our female agents do not feel ridiculous wearing them.

The Real Motorway Rules

Following a conversation with a newly qualified friend, I have carefully observed the actions of drivers on the motorway in order to ascertain the real rules of driving on the motorway. Here's what I've found out:

1. Do not use your indicator until you're half-way through your manoeuvre. It would give other drivers an unfair advantage if they knew what you were going to do before you do it.

2. Do ensure that your headlights are adjusted to their brightest setting. How else will you blind fellow drivers in their rear view mirrors?

3. Do not anticipate the need for others to change lane. They should bloody well get in right lane to start with!

4. Do leave lane changing until the very last moment! Everyone likes a surprise.

5. Do not look in your mirrors. You might see something you don't like!

6. Do stay in the middle lane. It's the best one.

7. Do not turn your headlights on unless it's really, really dark! Drivers who put their lights on at dusk, or in other poor visibility conditions are basically pussies!

8. Do make sure you cut into a lane unexpectedly right in front of lorries! Lorry drivers enjoy having to jam their brakes on. It relieves the monotony and it's not dangerous at all!

9. Do not change your driving style if you're pulling a trailer or caravan, or driving a hired lorry. It's okay. All vehicles handle exactly the same!

If you follow these rules, you probably won't be safe, but you should fit in nicely with all the other arseholes!

Friots

This is a representation of my facebook news feed on Monday night.  Click on the image for a larger view.

Before you ask, it's not a commentary on riots or society or anything like that.  Just an observation about my news feed on facebook.

Rudeness

A while back, I had a discussion with the Fish Lady about whether or not offering your hand in greeting to the ladyfolk was rude. She maintained that it was, whereas I insisted that it wasn't.

She's probably forgotten all about it by now. But not me. Oh, no. I was just biding my time until I had a free blog slot to fill. And also, I only just remembered it myself!

Take a look at these two pictures, one of which is rude:



Which one do you think is the rude one?

Is it the horrible beardy git extending his middle finger in a gesture that pretty much means 'stick this digit into your bum hole'?

Or is it the handsome chap extending his hand in a traditional gesture of greeting and friendship?

Now, I'll admit that up to and including Victorian times, it was traditional for a gentleman to wait for a lady to offer her hand.

But there are a few things that need to be taken into account.

Firstly, it's not Victorian times. I know this because I don't dress like this:



Since Victorian times, ladies have become much less soppy. Hardly any of them do embroidery any more and some of them even vote! More importantly, they have campaigned for and won equal rights. Which means they should be treated the same as men.

Of course the other problem with Victorian times was that, once the lady's hand was proffered, a gentlemen didn't shake it. Oh, no. More often than not, this happened instead:



No-one wants that now, do they?

Oh yeah... And while we're at it, a reminder:



They're BOTH rude! Because they mean THE SAME THING!