How to use a urinal...

There seems to be a really fundamental lack of understanding both in my office and in the world of public toilets, in how to use a urinal. As I'm fed up of finding the Gents swimming in piss, I have prepared a simple guide which I propose should be stuck to the wall at head height above each and every urinal:

HOW TO USE THIS URINAL

1. Stand directly in front of and facing the urinal.

2. Direct your stream into the centre of the urinal.

You are equipped with a tool that points forward by default.

There is no need to direct your stream onto the floor to the left or to the right of the urinal.

There is no need to direct your stream onto the floor in front of the urinal.

If you are unable to follow these simple instructions, then for god's sake, go into a cubicle and SIT THE HELL DOWN! What are you? A toddler?

So last night I sold a bunch of stuff on ebay and one of the buyers appears to be an alien (or possibly a LOLcat. He sent me a message at about 11pm last night which read:

"hai i have paid the money u post da phone 2morrow asap im going on holliday
this week so plz send asap and can u leave feedback and reply with track no
thanks gujjar"

And then this morning at 9am:

"can u replay please"

Bit pushy, I think! Now, normally I get stuff in the post the very next day and then send the buyer an e-mail confirming it's on it's way so they get it as soon as possible and know it's status... but is it wrong that in this case I really, really want to just leave it a day or two (I gave myself a couple of days leeway in the listing).

Also I want to give him an English lesson. Maybe I should reply to him in a similarly unintelligible fashion:

"hai G ai pit da fone in postal adaytay yao get in too dais ur sumfin ai leaf
feedblack den"

Do you think he'd notice that I was taking the p*ss?

UPDATE: I sent it today after all. And left a relatively sensible message for him... I'm such a coward...

Doctor Who Season Finale!!!

Wow. How awesome was that!?!?

After a fantastic buildup last week with DALEKS and disappearing planets and DALEKS and everone who's ever been in Doctor Who and DALEKS and Bernard Cribbins and DALEKS and invasion fleets and DALEKS and the Doctor getting shot and maybe regenerating and DALEKS!!! And did I mention DALEKS? Loads of 'em!

And then this week we get DALEKS and DAVROS and DALEKS and TWO DOCTORS and DALEKS... and you get the idea. Awesome stuff! Yay!

Dazza & Kazza's Grand Antipodean Adventure

I'm off on my holidays with the mighty Dr K. Follow our progress over here:

http://ozdk.blogspot.com/

A New Car

Woohoo. My new car arrived yesterday. A shiny red Focus. As it was delivered home I've had to wait until now to actually see it in daylight! Oooooh... pretty...

I'm a bit scared...

...by this rather precarious pile of washing up that Kazza has done.

It's a bit like Jenga. Often in the morning, I'll come downstairs and need a mug or a bowl from the bottom of the pile. So I'm subjected to a rather complicated process whereby each item must be removed in exactly the right oder, without disturbing the delicate balance of the structure! It's a good way to get started in the morning - kinda like doing a bit of Brain Training!

Microwave Jug Handle Detector Circuit

I'm absolutely convinced that our microwave is equipped with a handle detector. Whenever I put a jug,mug or other receptacle with a handle into the microwave, without fail at the end of the programme, it ends up with the handle pointing towards the back of the microwave, meaning I have to grope around at the back to get it out. EVERY TIME!

I've tried fooling it. Putting the handle in at the back or the side in an effort to affect the final handle position, but to no avail. It always points directly backward.

I've even tried experimenting with it, to make sure that the phenomoenon is not just a random one. I've put a jug in, handle forward for exactly a minute. At the end of the programme the handle points backwards. I've put a jug in, handle backward, with the same result.

How the hell is this happening??? I think it might be eating away at my sanity. Someone help, please!

A funny thing happened in the supermarket...

I had a minor incident in the supermarket today. I had to pop in there on my way to Stead's house to grab some bits and pieces for lunch.

As I was walking down the (rather busy) bread aisle, searching for some tasty baps I felt movement in my jeans. A strange shifting, if you like. I knew I hadn't soiled myself, and I was pretty sure that I hadn't passed a ferret farm on my way to Tesco.

The offending object began to work it's way down my left leg. I looked around. There were several people in the aisle with me, so I couldn't exactly whip my trews off to see what it was. I had to shake my leg and work it down, until it was near my shoe. Then I crouched as if to do my shoe laces up (not very convincing to anyone paying attention as I was wearing slip-ons) and snuck the item out of my trouser leg.

It was a sock.

Sorry. That was a bit of an anti climax, wasn't it. It seems that when I got undressed last night and carelessly tossed my clothes on the floor, one of my socks found its way into my jeans and then, when I pulled 'em on this morning I failed to check 'em for stowaway socks. Odd thing is though, I'd been up and about for a couple of hours before the sock made it's presence felt.

Anyway... sorry to have wasted your time!

There's no such thing as too much Mr T

This won't be controversial at all!

Nope. Not even slightly.

Hollywood takes action hero Jesus to India

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Hollywood is to fill in the Bible's "missing years" with a story about Jesus as a wandering mystic who travelled across India, living in Buddhist monasteries and speaking out against the iniquities of the country's caste system.
Film producers have delved deep into revisionist scholarship to piece together what they say was Jesus's life between the ages of 13 and 30, a period untouched by the recognised gospels.

The result is the Aquarian Gospel, a $20m movie, which portrays Jesus as a holy man and teacher inspired by a myriad of eastern religions in India. The Aquarian Gospel takes its name from a century-old book that examined Christianity's eastern roots and is in its 53rd reprint.
[...]
The film, which is due for release in 2009, sets out to be a fantasy action adventure account of Jesus's life with the three wise men as his mentors. Although the producers say the film will feature a "young and beautiful" princess, it is not clear whether Jesus is to have a love interest.

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Yeah. Action hero Jesus. 'And yea, I say unto you, Yippie Kai Ay oh, lovers of the mother!'

For $20m, it ain't exactly gonna be a big deal...