Miniature Mechanics

I think there must be some sort of rule that requires car mechanics to be tiny.

Every single time I've ever taken my car into the garage, it has always been returned to me with the driver's seat pulled right forward as if whoever's been working on it is a midget.

Maybe it's a union thing. Maybe they only allow really short people to get jobs in garages.

Perhaps garages are full of little people who are small enough to climb around inside my car and fix things with their tiny, tiny hands!

I'm not complaining, anyway. I took my car in today expecting to fork out a couple of hundred quid for a new alternator but ended up paying thirty quid to replace a frayed wire!

Awesome-Boy!

If I say that I'm sick, someone announces that they're sicker. For example, regular readers will now that I've just got over a very heavy cold. When I mentioned it to my mother, she immediately told me about the 4 week cold that she just suffered. A friend also jumped in to let me know that he was so sick with his cold that he had to take a week off work!

If I should note that I'm finding a particular job quite tricky, someone will invariably pipe up and tell me that they're finding their job much, much harder.

If I should dare to mention how busy I am, someone else is always busier.

If I comment on how hot I am in the office, there's always someone ready to interject with an update on just how much hotter they are.

In fact whatever I bring up, someone has always had it harder, worse, more painfully, smellier, longer, busier, more tiresome, flatter, fatter, crustier or hairier

I've had a think about this and I have come to the only reasonable conclusion. If I find everything easier than everyone else, and don't get as sick as everyone else and so-on, it's reasonable to assume that I'm more awesome than everyone else.

In fact, I'm probably some sort of super hero!

Look at my abs. Yeah!

Snotwatch (20)

Damn that sniffle. It's the only thing left.

I'm gonna declare a green, anyway!

Snotwatch Threat Level: GREEN

Birdstrike!

Just a short post today. A little anecdote, if you will indulge me.

I was lounging on the sofa this morning, enjoying an episode of Thundercats and a hot cup of tea, when I heard an almighty thud from the kitchen.

It sounded very much as if one of the cats had run full tilt into the patio door. They're both stupid enough to do that sort of thing.

So I went into the kitchen to investigate, only to be confronted with the sight of a stunned kestrel stinging just outside the door, clutching it's breakfast.

It was stunned enough to sit there while I went to find a camera. See:

It recovered quickly enough, though and flew off a few minutes later.

And that is my bird related anecdote for the day. It's not quite as impressive an anecdote as the morning I found a peacock in my back garden, but amusing, nonetheless.

Snotwatch (19)

I think we're almost done. My blocked nose has reduced to the status of sniffle. My sore throat is pretty much recovered. I only have to shake this mild headache (which may be TV related, rather than a cold symptom) and I can sign off on a GREEN status and put all of this snotwatch malarkey behind us.

In the meantime though:

Snotwatch Threat Level: AMBER

A Less Than Epic Quest

So, yesterday, Dr K and I were expecting a visit from my parents for dinner when we realised that we had nothing in to make the cottage pie that I had promised them.

So we had to pop to the supermaket and, in our infinite wisdom, decided to visit the enormous new Tesco in Yate.

Big mistake.

As soon as we entered the outskirts of Yate, we were confronted by idiot drivers who seemed to want nothing more than  to delay our arrival, or even bar it completely.  And the closer we got to the supermarket car-park, which is huge and underground, the slower and more obstructive they became.

Once parked, we had to join the thronged mass of chavs riding the conveyor belt up to the entrance.  Honestly, it was just like queuing to get into the supermarket.

And then we had to fight our way round the supermarket for the armful of groceries we needed, before being confronted by an idiot cashier who barely knew his arse from his elbow.

Eventually, we managed to pay and leave, which got us home just in time to cook dinner before the parents arrived.

Woohoo.

Snotwatch (18)

I thought I was doing much better yesterday, but when I woke up this morning my nose was completely stuffed up. All I could smell was snot, which smells a bit like musty carpets.

Fortunately I was able to alleviate this particular symptom with chemicals, which only left the fatigue, which I treated with a strong dose of sofa.

I think I'm on the mend.

Snotwatch Threat Level: AMBER

An Epic Quest

Once upon a time, a beautiful Princess and her brave, handsome Prince were expecting a visit from the King and Queen.  They had a problem, though.  And the problem was this: they had no gifts with which to welcome their royal visitors.

And so it came to pass that the brave Prince and the beautiful Princess set out to seek their fortunes (and get home in time for tea).


They had travelled far across the bleak countryside when they met a mysterious stranger, two whom they explained their problem.

"There is a legend," said the mysterious stranger, "that in the distant land of Yar-Tay, there is a mighty temple hewn from the mountain.  A temple populated by twisted, hideous creatures, but, so the legend goes, full to it's mighty towers with all the treasure that an adventurer could carry."

"With this treasure," said the Princess, "we would be have all the gifts we need to satisfy the King and Queen!"


"Aye," agreed the mysterious stranger, "but you must beware.  The lands around the temple are full of mighty, yet stupid beasts who would bar your passage. And the temple itself is filled with the most twisted, hideous creatures you could ever imagine!"


The princess, who had met her Prince's brothers, thought about it for a moment and then declared, "We will go forth to this temple and bring back the treasure we need, for there is no other way."

"If that is your destiny," said the mysterious stranger, "then you will need this talisman."

He handed them a leather pouch, inside which was a talisman.  Upon the talisman were sixteen silver symbols. 

"You will know how to use it," the old man told them, "when the time is right!"  And with that he vanished.

And so they traveled deep into the mysterious land of Yar-Tay.  After a long march, they eventually spied the mighty fortress in the distance.

As the mysterious stranger had foretold, the land between them and the temple was populated by mighty, shiny beasts, some of which had enormous fins and skirts of indeterminate purpose.


As predicted, these beasts did all they could to block their way, but the Prince and Princess used their wily skills to dodge past them and then entered the dark, dank cavern beneath the temple!


In this cavern ware all manner of twisted, hideous creatures that may once have been people.  But any man that spends a lifetime in the shadow of the evil that rules the mysterious land of Yar-Tay is twisted by that evil into a hideous reflection of himself, a form that is less a man than an animal.


Drawing their cloaks close around them to hide their courage and beauty from the creatures around them, the Prince and Princess joined the thronging masses seeking a way into the temple itself.

Eventually, a way presented itself.  A magical moving pathway whisked the Prince and Princess and their hideous, twisted hosts up and out of the dark, dank cavern and into the mighty temple!


It was just as the prophecy had foretold!  The temple was huge, with a ceiling that was higher than the eye could see and treasure stacked to the height of three men!


But taking the treasure was not going to be simple, for it seemed that the hideous twisted creatures from the dark, dank cavern below the temple had the very same scheme.  Each and every creature was ransacking the temple and taking every last piece of treasure!


"We will have to fight them," declared the brave Prince.


"Indeed we will," agreed the beautiful Princess.


And so, they both drew their swords and fought off the throngs of hideous, twisted creatures until none were left standing!

When they stood alone in the cavernous teple, they looked about them at the treasure, stacked high.


"We could have it all," said the Princess.  "But we must not.  For it is the love of this treasure that twisted these hideous creatures so.  We must take only what we need and never return"


And so they each took an armful of treasure and made their way back to the magical pathway that lead down to the dark, dank cave and away to safety.


But at the gateway they were confronted by a creature even more twisted and even more hideous than they had yet encountered.

"Where is it going with my preciouses?" the creature hissed!


"We have taken only what we need," said the brave Prince. "The rest is yours to keep."


"It takes my preciouses," cried the creature, "and it must pay, yes!"


"We have nothing to trade," said the Prince.


"Then it pays with it's lives," the creature growled, and bared it's teeth.


"We have nothing to trade," said the beautiful Princess, "but this magical talisman."


From her knapsack, she produced the leather pouch and, from the leather pouch she produced the talisman which had been given to her by the mysterious stranger.


"It's pretty, pretty," moaned the creature. "Is it my precious, now?"


"It is," assented the Princess, and handed the talisman to the creature.


With the creature distracted, the brave Prince and beautiful princess were able to slip past and away to freedom!


After a long and arduous march they arrived home just in time to welcome their Royal guests into their castle. The King and Queen were greatly pleased by the gifts that they had been given and bestowed their Roayl blessings upon the household.

And after that, they feasted.  And after that, they all lived happily ever after!

Snotwatch (17)

It's funny how much you take breathing through your nose for granted. It's only when you can't, that you miss it.

The biggest problem with breathing through your mouth all night is the ncredibly sore throat you have the following morning. Gah.

Snotwatch Threat Level: RED

Fascination

My aunt sent me a video about moustaches today because I have a 'fascination with facial hair'. I have facial hair. I'm not sure this necessarily translates to a 'fascination' with it.

Ever since Dr K got herself a cat, about half of her birthday and Christmas cards have featured cats. Also she now owns a lovely selection of cat themed tea towels and nick-nacks because now she has a cat, she is apparently obsessed with them. Same thing happened to me when I first got Rochester and Elliot 16 yeas ago!

It seems that because you have a thing, you must also have an obsession or fascination with it.

To be on the safe side, I will therefore be assuming that anyone in possession of underpants is obsessed with them. And because anyone who has recently had a haircut must be fascinated by the barber trade, I will be sure to point out relevant employment opportunities to them.

And anyone who indulges in the occasional poo, will almost certainly enjoy contributions to the collection that they're obviously building!