Cylon Bingo

Ever since the mighty Battlestar Galactica left our screens a couple of years ago, there has been an insidious Cylon invasion of our airwaves.

Six, now calling herself Tricia Helfer has popped up in Burn Notice, Two and a Half Men and Human Target. Three now graces our screens in Sparacus, minus most of her clothes. These are just a few of many, many appearances by the evil Toasters.

This is obviously part of a dastardly Cylon plot to wipe out mankind. Be very careful when you watch TV. Cylons are everywhere.

To help you spot them, I've prepared this handy spotters guide, cunningly disguised as a little game! Included is little Zoe Graystone, from Caprica who masquerades with the unlikely name of Alessandra Torressani - even though she wasn't a proper fleshy Cylon, she was a prototype (and also the hottest Cylon) and we should keep an eye on her.


Winner gets Starbuck!

Updates

As you know, Steve Jobs is on a personal mission to mess with me. Today, I'm pretty sure he's teamed up with Bill Gates to spoil my evening.

Today, I wanted to update the firmware on my iPad. In order to do that I was required to update not just the required firmware but ITunes and Windows. But they didn't tell me about it in advance. Oh no. Just gave me cryptic error messages when I connected my iPad, which I had to decipher before continuing. And I'm not vey clever, so it took me AGES!

I imagine their conversation went something like this:


UPDATE: I switched on my playstation the next morning only to find that and update was required there, too.

Bracism

A couple of my workmates have asked me to raise awareness of an insidious form of prejudice that goes almost unrecognised in today's world.

Bracism: discrimination against people who wear braces.

Not the trouser suspending kind. No, people who wear those are rightly ridiculed as they just look silly.

I'm talking about the kind that look like a miniature Hornby set on the teeth of otherwise normal(ish) looking people.

These people should not be harassed. They should not be pointed at in the street and they should not be talked about in corridors or by water coolers. And they should especially not be approached by people who are looking for something to run a tiny train on.

The fact is that people with braces are making an effort to better themselves. Rather than just brushing their teeth and, maybe flossing, they've gone the extra mile to give you a perfect set of gnashers to look at. They are, put simply, better than you.

Or at least they will be when they get their braces off.

Take the case of my workmate, Hannah. Today she had her braces removed and came into the office with her lovely new teeth. Gosh I was impressed. It improved her visage 100 fold.

Before she had her braces, her slightly wonky teeth offset her entire face, giving her a lopsided, unbrushed, slightly lumpy look. And now she looks like a princess. Take a look at these before and after sketches that I had the presence of mind to prepare:


Note how much lovelier she looks and how much nicer her hair is. The braces have even cured the minor liver condition that gave her yellow boss eyedness and an unhealthy pallor to her skin. Oh, and her teeth are nice, too!

Well done, Hannah. We're all proud of you and are grateful to you for making yourself so much easier to look at! Thank you.

What Day Is It?

There seems to be some confusion over what day it is today.

I've heard a lot of talk in the media about it being something called 'International Women's Day'. I'm not really sure what International Women's Day is, but it sounds quite sinister. Perhaps some sort of international synchronisation event?

Anyway, I want to make it absolutely clear to everybody. Today is NOT International Women's Day.

It's Pancake Day.

Today is the day when we commemorate the invention of pancakes by the Baby Jesus!


We celebrate this historic event by scoffing down as many pancakes as we can until we are either sick or explode. These pancakes MUST be home made. If you buy pre-made pancakes for Pancake Day then you are committing a grave sin and the Baby Jesus won't love you any more and you will go to HELL!

There are some people who believe that the Baby Jesus did not in fact, invent the pancake, but there is plenty of evidence to back it up. Look at all those images of holy people that have giant floating pancakes behind their heads!

Women are, of course welcome to partake in these festivities but should not think for a moment that it's all about them!

The Spare Kid

I think I've worked out why some people knock out multiple kids. Basically, having a second child means you have a spare in case you break or lose the first one. Sometimes there might be something wrong with the first one, like a squint or bad teeth, and you can chuck it away and use the spare one instead.

Those people who drop loads of kids either don't understand this concept, or they keep getting it wrong and squeezing out broken or stupid ones. we should take pity on these people and provide excess sprog recycling facilities.

I very much see myself as the spare kid, which is lucky because the first one turned out quite wrong. My younger brother is an unnecessary redundancy. Here is a very accurate diagram of how it works:

Queuing For The Loo

I should probably be a bit concerned that I'm doing two consecutive cat posts. People may think I'm a bit obsessed. But this was too good to pass up.

Take a look at this photo:


If you look very carefully, you'll see Rochester doing his business behind the bush. The other two are patiently waiting their turn.

Body on the Patio

There was a dead body on the patio this morning.

I think there's a serial killer on the loose. This isn't the first time he's left a mangled corpse in the garden. It was all very traumatic.

Fortunately I've been able to help the police identify the culprit. I've seen him hanging around looking very shifty, so we did a stakeout and when he came back to play with the cadaver, we got him bang to rights!

Unfortunately the judge threw out the case because he's technically a minor, so he back on the streets. All I can say, be very careful in the undergrowth. He could be waiting to strike.

The police gave me a copy of his mug shot:

Driving Is A Game

I've noticed something about driving. Apparently it's some sort of game, the aim of which is to get to places faster than everyone else, be as obstructive as possible and, in a real life version of a Tower Defence game, make it as difficult as possible for people to get where they need to go by placing your vehicle in their path.


Really. On my drive to and from work each day, I witness a ridiculous number of incidents of cretinous, tadger-brained jackasses deliberately preventing other drivers from getting into the lane they need to be in on the motorway, or cutting people up needlessly on roundabouts. It's like points are scored for every instance of inconvenience caused.

We all want to be somewhere and we all want to get there as soon as possible. We can all help each other do that by doing simple things like easing off the accelerator or touching the brake for a moment every now and then. The amount of effort involved in allowing someone to change lanes or pull out of a side road is minuscule.

There's no need to be a dick about it.

Dazza vs The Lap Cat

Because of his arthritic hips, Rochester has lost the ability to simply jump lightly onto my lap. Initially, he solved this using his claws to haul himself onto the sofa and, on one memorable occasion, doing do by baling himself up on my groin.

Since the vet put him on new medication for his arthritis, however, the little bastard has developed a new, high speed technique which starts at the opposite end of the room and involves accelerating toward the target lap. When he reaches 88 miles per hour, he launches himself into the air and crash lands in the target lap, using his claws to stop himself.





I haven't walked right since he started doing this!

Catastrophe By Cumin

Disaster has struck.

A jar of cumin leapt out of the cupboard and destroyed my teapot.


Fortunately I have an alternative means of making my hourly cuppa, but I am now in the market for another teapot.

And I don't want just any teapot. No, I want an awesome teapot. Maybe a clockwork one with lights and dials on it. Or one made from recycled space shuttles! Or perhaps a furry one!

The possibilities are endless!