Rochester vs The Bacon

My cat really likes bacon. He has some sort of bacon radar (which I suspect he keeps in his nose) that alerts him to the presence of bacon the instant it's exposed to the air.

Case in point. The other day, I cooked us a lovely fry-up. Rochester was asleep in the next room. I took all of the ingredients out of the fridge. The bacon was plastic wrapped. Started cooking the sausages. There were no cats in the room.

Next up, I took the kitchen scissors out of the drawer. Still no cats.

Then I cut into the bacon wrapper. Within moments of the bacon molecules being freed into the general atmosphere, there he was, at my feet, shouting for a taste of the lovely, lovely bacon.

I say 'shouting'. Rochester doesn't actually make much noise when he meows. Normally, he just kind of mimes. When he's really desperate he manages a strangled little squeak. That's what he was doing. (I've been trying to catch him doing it on video for years, but he's really camera-shy!)

Anyway... Rochester loves bacon. Can't really blame him!

How to grade a fart (or burp)

As recently detailed in the House Rules, bodily expulsions of gas, whether oral or anal should be graded. To assist with this, I propose the attached grading structure:

Either one, two or three points are awarded for each of the duration, stinkiness and hilariousness of the burp or fart, with one extra point awarded if it's wet. So, in order to achieve a full ten out of ten, one must achieve a lengthy, eye-bleedingly stinky, LMAO inducing wet one.

Got that?

It didn't start well...

This morning did not start well.

I arrived at work to find that both of the drinks machines on my floor were knackered. No tea for me until the canteen opened an hour later. You know how I like my tea. Perpetual and uninterrupted. (57, by the way, if anyone cares.)

Next up, I broke my system access. In order to get it restored, I needed one of my workmates to purge me. Problem with that was that no-one else was in. It was 7am, after all.

Fortunately one of them was logged in and working from home. So I sent her a text message.

Unfortunately, I'm a massive idiot and, rather than texting the colleague that was up and working, I texted the one that was not only on holiday and having a lie in but feeling a bit poorly, too (yeah, I pretty much gave everyone I know that flu bug!). So she was pleased about being woken up at 7 o'clock.

On the plus side, we did conclude that wrapping a toad in mustard soaked dock leaves and balancing it on your head whilst soaking your feet in cauliflower juice and rubbing strawberry yoghurt into your chest is as effective a cold remedy as anything else.

So that's good.

The House Rules

A friend of mine has recently posted a set of house rules on his fridge. Everybody needs some hilarious house rules, so here are mine!

Watermill Hall Rules
By Darren & Karen (D & K)

General

1. The property in which D & K reside shall be formally referred to as Watermill Hall, despite the fact that it is not in fact known as Watermill Hall by anyone and is not a hall or, indeed a watermill.

2. Bodily expulsion of gasses should be graded on a scale of one to ten based upon volume, duration, odour and hilariousness. Please see the separate grading structure for details.

3. Ghostbusters will be quoted or referenced as often as possible.

4. Hair must not be brushed in the hallway.

5. The lounge is a shared space and no one seat is allocated to any individual. Therefore, seat users must move to a different seat each hour on the hour. You may not later return to a seat that you have previously occupied. If you run out of seats to move to, you have outstayed your welcome.

6. Shoes are optional, except on Tuesdays in March.

7. Darren's singing is awesome, even when it's not.

8. Batman is a proper hero about whom many and varied stories can be told. Due to his godlike power set, Superman is bereft of dramatic potential without the introduction of cheap deus ex machina tricks, which is just lazy writing.

9. K is a scientist, which means she almost certainly knows better than you.

TV, Technology and Gadgets

10. The Sky Box is the sole responsibility of D. Technical faults, missed programmes and accidental glimpses of Eastenders are almost certainly the result of wilful negligence by D and should be treated with a level of displeasure appropriate to the seriousness of the infraction.

11. Whenever a non-supporting male actor appears on TV, male viewers must ask female viewers if they would 'bang that'.

12. Whenever a non-supporting female actor appears on TV, female viewers must ask male viewers if they would 'bang that'.

13. Ghostbusters will be watched.

14. You can wait for the ad break.

15. The Chuck Dance, or any other theme tune based frolicking, cavorting or boogieing should not be interrupted. Nor should it be used as an opportunity to steal food or other items from the dancer.

16. D loves gadgets. So should you.

17. If you leave your laptop, phone or tablet device logged into Facebook, you should expect to be Facebook Raped. It's one of the unwritten laws of physics.

18. Please do not rest your feet on the ceiling. It is one if the more expensive parts of the house and we do not want to damage it, do we?

19. Things should be placed in boxes wherever possible.

Food, Beverages and the Kitchen

20. Any ambulatory movement by any person in the direction of the kitchen should be acknowledged with the phrase 'yes please'. If available, an empty mug should be extended in the direction of the kitchen visitor.

21. The kitchen is only big enough for one person at a time. Therefore, whenever D is cooking, K must engage in multiple kitchen activities to include, but not be limited to, preparing a hot water bottle or opening cupboards and drawers.

22. D should always attempt to dry-hump K while she is washing up.

23. Tea must be provided to D in the largest mug available.

24. You do not have to ask D if he wants a cup of tea. The answer is always 'yes' with only one exception: D will not want a cup of tea while he is pooing. A nice fresh post-poo cuppa, however will always be appreciated.

25. Meals prepared by D are delicious and exactly the right size.

26. The kitchen closes at 8.30 pm for a period of exactly 1 second. During this time, no meals, snacks or beverages may be prepared. The kitchen will reopen for business as usual at 8.30 and one second with the caveat that spoons should be operated with the left hand.

Cats

27. Loud and insistent meowing will be interpreted as a request for an enormous squeezy cuddle and will be responded to as such for a duration of at least 30 seconds.

28. Room and board will be provided in exchange for lap-sitting, cuddles and general cuteness.

29. Stinky poos should be saved for the most inconvenient times. Examples include just after lights-out or when a plumber, electrician or other vocational tradesman is working in the next room. Note: the stinkier, the better.

30. Birds and small mammals, whether dead or barely alive are not appropriate gifts. Chocolate or wine is much better.



Disclaimer: strict adherence to these rules should not be observed. These rules may change at any time and may be changed by any person and interpreted by any other person in any way. Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured upon it.

Dr K vs the Flu

Poor old Dr K is suffering terribly. It may be bird flu, swine flu or some other random animal based flu. But it's most likely Dazza Flu.

That's right. I've infected her with the lurgy. And what a lurgy it is! It knocked me out for a few days before Christmas and now Dr K is laid up in bed with a fever and achey bits.

Sorry, Kaz.

In more important news, here comes cuppa 42. Profound, huh?

Steve Jobs wants me to do WHAT to the Beautiful South?

I think Steve Jobs has it in for me. Almost every time I send a message from one of my Apple Devices, he feels the need to step in and make 'helpful' alterations with the spell check function.

Case in point: Today I sent a message to some friends on Facebook using my iPhone. I just wanted to tell them that I would be visiting the area and asked for some convenient dates. Obviously, Steve ignored the obvious typo, and instead altered the one word that would entirely change the meaning of my message.

Look what Steve wants me to do to the Beautiful South:

If I was Jacqui Abbott, I'd running away about now. To Rotterdam. Or anywhere, really!

Anyone interested in the tea update? Im about to make my 31st cuppa of the year. Yeah, baby!

Snow. Again.

The weather was fine. Then I went for a poo and when I came out of the bathroom, it was snowing. Quite a lot. Sorry people, I think this snow may have come out of my bottom. Some sort of bum dandruff, probably.

I know you'll be wanting to know what the tea count is. 23. I'm anticipating raising it to 24 by bed time. It would be more, but I've pretty much run out of milk.

Back to work tomorrow. Bah.

Rochester vs Breakfast

Rochester has a lovely way of showing just how grateful he is for the delicious food that I serve him.

This morning he took one look at his tasty lamb flavoured breakfast and vomited on the floor next to it!

In other news, for anyone that's counting, I've now had 17 cups of tea in 2011. The last but one cup was a dodgy South African brand recommended by my Zimbabwean bathroom fitter. It was not very nice.

Happy New Year

Well, it's 2011. Happy New Year.

Not much has happened yet. I've watched some TV, cooked a fry up for Dr K and me and drunk 4 cups of tea. For those that know me, that probably doesn't sound like much tea, but don't worry, it's only about 4pm at the moment. I have plenty of time to make up my tea deficit!

Update: it's just after 10pm now and I've had my last cuppa of the day. The total is 7, however it should be noted that the last 4 cups were served in a pint mug!

Countdown to 2011

So, 2011 is the year I revive my blog. I've been very lax over the past couple of years but I've missed the writing a bit and have also been prompted by comments from some of my friends. So... Watch this space. There's gonna be some truly awesome stuff here. Truly awesome!

Honest.