The House Rules

A friend of mine has recently posted a set of house rules on his fridge. Everybody needs some hilarious house rules, so here are mine!

Watermill Hall Rules
By Darren & Karen (D & K)

General

1. The property in which D & K reside shall be formally referred to as Watermill Hall, despite the fact that it is not in fact known as Watermill Hall by anyone and is not a hall or, indeed a watermill.

2. Bodily expulsion of gasses should be graded on a scale of one to ten based upon volume, duration, odour and hilariousness. Please see the separate grading structure for details.

3. Ghostbusters will be quoted or referenced as often as possible.

4. Hair must not be brushed in the hallway.

5. The lounge is a shared space and no one seat is allocated to any individual. Therefore, seat users must move to a different seat each hour on the hour. You may not later return to a seat that you have previously occupied. If you run out of seats to move to, you have outstayed your welcome.

6. Shoes are optional, except on Tuesdays in March.

7. Darren's singing is awesome, even when it's not.

8. Batman is a proper hero about whom many and varied stories can be told. Due to his godlike power set, Superman is bereft of dramatic potential without the introduction of cheap deus ex machina tricks, which is just lazy writing.

9. K is a scientist, which means she almost certainly knows better than you.

TV, Technology and Gadgets

10. The Sky Box is the sole responsibility of D. Technical faults, missed programmes and accidental glimpses of Eastenders are almost certainly the result of wilful negligence by D and should be treated with a level of displeasure appropriate to the seriousness of the infraction.

11. Whenever a non-supporting male actor appears on TV, male viewers must ask female viewers if they would 'bang that'.

12. Whenever a non-supporting female actor appears on TV, female viewers must ask male viewers if they would 'bang that'.

13. Ghostbusters will be watched.

14. You can wait for the ad break.

15. The Chuck Dance, or any other theme tune based frolicking, cavorting or boogieing should not be interrupted. Nor should it be used as an opportunity to steal food or other items from the dancer.

16. D loves gadgets. So should you.

17. If you leave your laptop, phone or tablet device logged into Facebook, you should expect to be Facebook Raped. It's one of the unwritten laws of physics.

18. Please do not rest your feet on the ceiling. It is one if the more expensive parts of the house and we do not want to damage it, do we?

19. Things should be placed in boxes wherever possible.

Food, Beverages and the Kitchen

20. Any ambulatory movement by any person in the direction of the kitchen should be acknowledged with the phrase 'yes please'. If available, an empty mug should be extended in the direction of the kitchen visitor.

21. The kitchen is only big enough for one person at a time. Therefore, whenever D is cooking, K must engage in multiple kitchen activities to include, but not be limited to, preparing a hot water bottle or opening cupboards and drawers.

22. D should always attempt to dry-hump K while she is washing up.

23. Tea must be provided to D in the largest mug available.

24. You do not have to ask D if he wants a cup of tea. The answer is always 'yes' with only one exception: D will not want a cup of tea while he is pooing. A nice fresh post-poo cuppa, however will always be appreciated.

25. Meals prepared by D are delicious and exactly the right size.

26. The kitchen closes at 8.30 pm for a period of exactly 1 second. During this time, no meals, snacks or beverages may be prepared. The kitchen will reopen for business as usual at 8.30 and one second with the caveat that spoons should be operated with the left hand.

Cats

27. Loud and insistent meowing will be interpreted as a request for an enormous squeezy cuddle and will be responded to as such for a duration of at least 30 seconds.

28. Room and board will be provided in exchange for lap-sitting, cuddles and general cuteness.

29. Stinky poos should be saved for the most inconvenient times. Examples include just after lights-out or when a plumber, electrician or other vocational tradesman is working in the next room. Note: the stinkier, the better.

30. Birds and small mammals, whether dead or barely alive are not appropriate gifts. Chocolate or wine is much better.



Disclaimer: strict adherence to these rules should not be observed. These rules may change at any time and may be changed by any person and interpreted by any other person in any way. Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured upon it.