Disgruntled Rhyming Twig

Friday morning, freezing outside
Reading Facebook, warm in my bed.
Every other post on Facebook, moaning
About ice on the car windscreen.
Kitties mewling for their breakfast
Yawning, I rise to get them fed.

Finally I rub sleep from my eyes
Really hope today's not a bore.
I have an awesome day off work.
Delighted, I make plans for fun,
And phone a friend to have it with.
Yup, ended up in a toy store!

Blowing Off

Sorry, no. There are no guffs in this post.

Instead, I thought it'd share a short story about something that happened to me today.

When I ventured out to find some lunch today, it was very windy. And for the first time in my life, I felt my beard blowing about in the wind!

People keep telling me to cut it short or even off, but to be honest, it made me feel awesome!

So there.

Pull My Finger

ROFL, PMSL & LMAO

Okay, remember yesterday when I said 'Just don't get me started on 'LMAO', 'ROFL' or 'PMSL''? Well, someone did.

M'colleague, Rachael, who's also my dealer, didn't know what ROFL, PMSL and LMAO meant, so I had to explain. And then we had a discussion about the order in which these acronyms should be used - you know, which is the more extreme reaction and so on.

This is what we came up with:




<-- LOW ------------- HIGH -->
LOL ROFL PMSL LMAO


Now, I realise that placing LMAO at the top of the scale might be controversial, as it is commonly used as a relatively tame reaction to humour, however, I believe it should be much higher.  I have illustrated each phrase. I think you'll see why once you've seen them (as usual, you can click on each picture for a larger version):

This is a standard LOL or Laugh Out Loud.  Nothing dodgy here, just a laugh along the lines of 'ho ho ho',  'har de har' or somesuch.

Next up is a ROFL, or Roll On Floor Laughing.  Again, nothing particularly extreme.  Just a laugh that's so good that my legs have buckled out from underneath me and I'm having a good old roll on the floor.

This is here it starts to get a bit icky.  PMSL, or Pissed Myself Laughing.  I mean, yuck.  Loss of bladder control.  Who does that?  Someone who needs clean trousers, that's who!

Are you disgusted by this one?  Appalled? Hmm? You should be.  In this picture I have LMAOed, or Laughed My Arse Off.  The consequences of laughing one's arse off are twofold:  Shit and gore.  Never laugh this much, I beg of you!

And that is why LMAO is clearly the worst one.

Finally, a little ironic anecdote:  Dr K and I were at the local shopping Mall to eat chicken and we popped into a shop.  In that shop was a jumper, which Dr K tried on especially for your entertainment:

A Field Guide To Dazza's Expressions

Sometimes it's really hard to work out what people are feeling. One person's screwed up face could mean disgust while another's means concentration or maybe they're half way through a massive coronary.

At least I know what my face means. Here's a guide for the rest of you:


Poor Dazza. Doesn't this photo make you feel sorry for him? Look at that bottom lip. This is a face he might pull when a close friend dies, or someone refuses to make him a cuppa. It could also indicate extreme disappointment in the quality of a recent fart.


If Dazza is making this face at you, he probably doesn't care what you're saying to him. Or more likely doesn't understand. You can get rid of this face by waving something shiny in front of him. Of course, it may also mean that someone has farted and he's holding his breath so he doesn't have to smell it.


So here's a face that often comes out when you wave something shiny in front of Dazza. Or suggest that you might like to take him out for a curry. Or offer him tea. It's cute isn't it? Or is it the precursor to a really loud seam splitter?


You probably see this one a lot. Dazza isn't the sharpest rock in the box, so the things you say to him will probably just go over his head and, while he thinks about it, he'll pull this face. Either that or he's trying to figure out how which a tiny little guff smells so bad!


On the rare occasion that Dazza is lucky enough to be right, he might pull this face at you. It's supposed to be a smug contemptuous sneer, but it mostly looks like he's smelling something. Like a fart, maybe.


Oh, no. Dazza's really cross now. Did you take his tea away? Or his curry? Or is he just trying really really hard to squeeze out a fart? Just hope that he never follows up this face with surprise.


Sometimes Dazza is surprised and this is the face he pulls. It's equally possible that he just followed through. Oops.


Did you just give him a cup of tea? Or a curry? Because this is the face he reserves for cups of tea and curry. Oh, and really brilliant farts!

So there you have it. There are a few other expressions, but these are the ones you need to worry about.

It might be a bit tricky to refer to this blog every time you have to speak to him, so here's a cut out card that you can print and keep in your pocket:

Things I Have Put On My Head

You Maniacs! You Blew It Up! Damn You! God Damn You All To Hell!

The inflatable Santa, I mean. They blew it up. Blew... Planet of the...

Oh, never mind.


The point (in as much as there is one) of this post is that tonight, I was assaulted in the eyes by my first overt Christmas thing of the year.

There have been relatively discreet Christmas booking posters around, and I think I saw some seasonal gingerbread in John Lewis; but this was the first really offensively Christmassy violation of my not even autumn yet human rights.

I love Christmas. Just not in September, please!

Tea In Bed

Every morning, I make Dr K a lovely cup of tea and bring it to her in bed. I do it because I'm an awesome boyfriend.

But yesterday I thought I'd have a bit of a lie-in.

Shouldn't be a problem, because Dr K lies in at the the weekend too. Really late sometimes. And if she was in a lying-in competition, she would totally win. She's a pro. Hard-core. She's so good at lying in, in fact, that she often lies in right through the optimum tea drinking period and ends up with a stone cold cuppa.

Enough about Dr K's Pro Lying-In though, and more about my lie-in.

There I was, lying-in and having a thoroughly lovely time. It was maybe nine o'clock. In was all snuggly and warm and fast asleep. And then I was rudely awoken.

'Hey baby, are you going to make me a cup of tea?'

At first, I thought it was part of the delightful dream I was having. You know the one where you're flying through an Indian restaurant. Like this:


A demand for tea seemed a bit incongruous with that image though, so I dismissed it out of hand and went back to racing poppadoms through clouds of onion bhajis.

'Are you going to make the tea?'

There it was again. This time it woke me up properly, so I said some naughty words which, paraphrased, went something like this: 'No, my precious darling. I regret to advise that I am not, in fact, getting out of bed to make you a cup of tea.'

And then I went back to sleep again.

About an hour later, I got up and made some tea. Dr K was fast asleep and didn't drink it.

Fast forward to this morning and I was aiming for another serious attempt at a lie-in and I heard the voice again. Only this time it wasn't demanding anything.

'I'm going to make you a cup of tea, baby,' she said.

And she did. She's lovely, she is.

There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch...

...Although the shreds of plastic wrapping and paper that Dr K found in her lunch meant that she came as close as you ever get! Yum yum. Plastic and paper.

Didn't put her off though and she scoffed her liver and onions and mash and then got a refund!

Also we went to another castle. At least it was called Elvaston Castle, but I'd say it was more of a big house. Sure, it has crenelations, but that doesn't make it a castle in my book.

Judge for yourself. I took a few pictures:









I also took a lovely picture of Dr K looking like a model:


And I finally got my cream tea:


This is important because if I don't get a cream tea then I'm not on holiday.

In fact as this trip involved visiting my brother, spending time with my parents and going out for lunch with Dr K's mum, it could easily have fallen into the 'visiting family' category which, as everyone knows is officially a chore - even if it's fun.

So the cream tea officially changed my visit to the Midlands from a chore to a holiday. Brilliant!

Of course this rule doesn't always work in my favour - remember the Conference I went on in January for work where they served mini cream teas? Well that was officially a holiday. Disappointingly, it wasn't the worst holiday I ever had.

I'm writing this post in the car on the way back home, which means Dr K is utterly thrashing me at the Eddie Stobart game.

I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again.

Chatsworth

Today we took my mother to Chatsworth house, because that's the sort of thing mothers like to do.

While she sat in the cafe with her copy of Woman's Weekly, we all went off and explored the gardens which were full of jolly interesting stuff and things!


Here's the big Emperor Fountain. Legend has it that the eponymous emperor lies just under the water and pees straight up into the air. Nothing wrong with his prostate then!


This is a picture of me looking rather dashing. Oh, and there's a bit of landscape behind me. But who cares about that? I'm in the picture and let's face it, you can't take your eyes off me!


There were quite a lot of bums in the garden. Here is one of them. And he's pointing at a statue.


Here's Dr K looking very tiny. I believe that the bust on top of the column is Brent Spiner who played Data in Star Trek The Next Generation, although I can't be sure.


Here is another photo of Dr K. This time she's next to a very large urn. It's very large. We suspect it contains the ashes of Big Daddy, who was also very large.


This wee beastie was prowling around the gardens. I snuck up behind it and stuck a 'kick me' sign on it's bottom before it spotted and ate me. I got better, though.


Here is a picture of me looking very handsome on top of a picturesque archway in the gardens.


Unfortunately, shortly after the archway, Dr K and I got separated for an hour or so and she had the camera. So I had to draw this picture from memory. I think you'll agree that it is uncannily realistic!

Tomorrow's mission is to find me a cream tea. Yum.

Definitely A No-No

So quite a few interesting things have happened today. I drove to Nottingham to see my brother and his new house. We had curry. I had buckets of tea. But I've decided to focus on a minor incident that happened after lunch.

It involved t-shirts.

You see, we all decided to go for a walk. Dr K decided to get get changed into jeans and a t-shirt. A Batman t-shirt.

So obviously, just before we went out I ran upstairs and quickly pulled on my own Batman t-shirt. We looked lovely together:


Apparently not.

Apparently the same rule that applies to girls being seen in the same dress as other girls at parties also applies to girls being seen on walks around the university lake in Nottingham in the same t-shirt as their boyfriend!

She was not impressed.

I guess that scuppers my plan to wear a little polka-dot dress to Alton Towers tomorrow, then!


By the way, have to apologise for the appalling quality of that last picture. It's getting late and I'm sleepy and when I'm sleepy my drawing talents go right down the toilet. More so than usual, I mean...

All Better Now

Look at me. Look at my smug, self satisfied smile. That's the smug, self satisfied smile of a man who has been given plenty of tea. And there's definitely a little curry related twinkle in my eye.

Dr K and I went over to a friends house for dinner last night. They made me several cups of tea and we ate curry.

So I don't hate you all any more. On the contrary, I love you all. Well, except him. And her. And that lot over there. But I love the rest of you and I want to give you all lovely big hugs because you're awesome.

Oh, look. Dr K just brought me a pint of tea.

Anyone fancy a snog?

The Secret Of My Handsomeness

It is no secret that I am very, very handsome.

What is a secret, however, is why, exactly, I am so handsome.

Is it genetic handsomeness? Have I inherited my handsomeness from my parents?

Obviously not, because neither of my brothers are even nearly as handsome as me. In fact, by comparison, they have a very ordinary level of handsomeness. (I'm being kind... At least one of them is really quite ugly.)

Is it because of Photoshop? Photoshop is very clever and can do many things, but sadly, making a person as handsome as me is not one of those things. I did a test on some photographs of Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and George Clooney, but I simply couldn't make them as handsome as me.


See? This handsometer measures two different types of handsomeness, and those other guys don't even come close to my top notch handsomeness.

Could it be clever lighting that makes me so handsome? No. I'm handsome in the dark too. Doubly so, Dr K tells me. Look, here's a picture of me that illustrates this perfectly:


I really am very handsome in the dark, aren't I?

I'll wait a moment before I continue while the ladies finish swooning.

Finished?

Excellent. I shall continue.

No, the reason I am so very handsome is quite simple. It's my beard. My beard makes me handsome.


I mean, I'm quite handsome without it, but the beard really does an excellent job of making me extra handsome.

And recently, I have been getting even handsomer.

'How?' I hear you ask. 'How can you get even more handsome?

I could tell you, but I think the following picture illustrates it perfectly:


That's right. I have more beard. I don't want you to think of it as a beard, though. I want you to think of it as More Handsomeness. Because that's what it is. Somewhat patchy handsomeness, I'll grant you. In places, it's quite sparse handsomeness, and some parts of my face are more handsome than others, but it is, nonetheless, plenty of handsomeness.

Good night.

WHOMMMM! (or 'A Beginners Field Guide To Lightsaber Pretensions')

It's a well known fact that if you hand a long, thin object to a man, he will almost certainly wave it around making a 'whommmm' sound. Men who don't do this suffer from a mental illness called 'having no soul*'.

The world provides endless opportunities for pretending one has a lightsaber and I present here a brief selection of ideas for beginners:

In The Home

The home is an excellent location for practicing your lightsaber skills, with many many items that can be used.



The hoover attachment is a good choice as you can easily make out that you were simply engaging in household chores if you are caught at it. The downside of this is that you might end up actually having to hoover in order to maintain your cover.



Meanwhile, in the garden there is a huge assortment of bits and bobs for you to choose from. Here, I have picked the parasol from our patio set. This has the dual advantage of extensive reach and shade from the hot sun!

DIY Stores
Not much can match the DIY store for lightsabering opportunities, which will allow you to combine your interests in power tools, laser based fencing and, indeed, actual fencing.



You might not think that the shelving and bracket department would provide much in the way of lightsabers. But you'd be wrong.



Plumbing yields a fantastic array of long, thin things for you to wave about. The longer, the better, I say!

Car Parks
Even the humble car park can afford an unexpected opportunity to 'whommm'.



Here, I came across a discarded fluorescent tube from a strip light, which made an excellent lightsaber!

Garden Centres
Oh, the hated garden centre. How we dread the moment when our significant other declares that it's time to pay a visit to the land of petunias and terracotta pots. But never fear, my friends. There are a myriad of lightsabers here, too!



In this picture, an unconventional twirly, metal garden stake, commonly used for growing flowers up becomes an unconventionally twirly lightsaber, commonly used for chopping bits off stormtroopers!



And look how much more fun this ordinary looking broom has become. These things are totally wasted on the likes of Harry Potter!

Eating Out
Lightsabers can be found in the most unlikely places. The most boring of dinner dates can be made more exciting with the addition of a lightsaber.



Look at this chip. Now look at it again, because it's not a chip, it's an awesome miniature lightsaber!



Not even posh restaurants are immune to the lightsaber influence. One word: Breadstick!

I hope that this article has helped you see that no matter where you are, you can make the place at least 109% more brilliant by pretending you have a lightsaber.

If nothing else, just remember these three words:

Lightsabers are everywhere!



( * This is also sometimes known as 'not liking Star Wars'. Unlikely, I know, but some poor people really do suffer from it. )