Daz-Cards

I have recently changed jobs.  It's all very exciting.

Last week, my old workmates had a team meeting.  It was their first one without me.

After the meeting, one of them came up to me and said:

'It just wasn't the same without you.'

And that got me thinking.  There are a lot of people in the world who have not enjoyed my presence in their meetings. My old work mates are the lucky ones - they had me for six years.

So I have devised a way for all of you to have me at your meeting in an almost authentic fashion.

Daz-Cards.

Look, here they are!

Now, it should be noted that I rarely contribute anything useful to a meeting.  Mostly I just blurt out random phrases, poke people or demand cups of tea.  And these cards will enable to you reproduce that experience exactly.

All you need to do is print out the image files below, double sided so the card numbers match and cut them out.

Next, simply lay out the cards, picture side down in front of you at the meeting.  Any order you like, it doesn't really matter.  In the picture below, I've mixed them up so you don't notice my minor numbering error!

You will notice that some have what I like to call 'trigger criteria' on them and some have the word 'chance' on them.  They're really simple to use:

If someone uses a phrase or performs an action that matches one of the trigger criteria, just turn the relevant card over and read it out loud or perform the action.

If you feel like you haven't heard from me for a while, you can use the 'chance' cards, which come with my personal guarantee that the content on the reverse will slot seamlessly into the conversation.

By the time you've used all the cards, you will feel like I was actually there in your meeting.  And that is a good thing.

We apologise for the delay...

This is a personal message to my one reader:  Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of weeks.

It's not because I've been lazy. On the contrary, I've been busier than ever before.  Just last weekend I wrote and recorded a song and made a music video for it:

Yes.  That's me.  It's a thing.

I've been helping my slave-driving brother put together losts of stuff for a Battle of the Bards competion on his website.  It's very cool in an ultra-geeky sorty of way.  Check it out here.

It's meant making videos, drawing pictures and all that cool stuff.

So, yeah.  Not lazy...  just late!

Also, maybe a bit lazy...

Longleat

This week, my brother and his wife accompanied Dr K and I to Longleat.  It was pretty awesome.

The thing that entertained me most about the trip, though, was this sign in the tiger enclosure:

In particular, it reminded me very much of the rubbish pictures that I produce for this blog.  And to prove that point, I made one just like it:

See?

Later in the day, we got lost in the maze.  I recorded a little video about that, but my computer is being an arse today, so I can't show it to you.  Watch this space though, cos it'll be up some time in the week!

How To Make The Perfect Cup Of Tea

Perturbed Dragon One-Sheets

Phone Zombies

These fine gentlemen are the Phone-Zombies.

Phone Zombies genuinely believe the the 'mobile' part of the term 'mobile phone' means that they MUST be mobile whilst using their phone. So they get up from their desk and shamble around the office, utterly unaware of their surroundings.

Not content with taking up valuable corridor space, they create even more of a navigational challenge by stepping sideways or even backwards without any warning. They wander up and down, and into meeting rooms. They perform desk circuits, often stopping right behind hard working colleagues to make loud and important contributions to their teleconferences. They are also attracted to windows. In extreme cases, they even shamble into the toilets to take a dump whilst mindlessly chattering into their phone.

Scientists recently completed a scientific study, where they studied the shambling habits of Phone Zombies scientifically. They created an 'average' office floor plan and used science to project the probable movements of the Phone Zombies based on a given starting point. Here is that floor plan with a couple of those Phone Zombie Projections (PZPs):







As you can see, the shambling patterns are very complex and if there is more than one Phone Zombie on the prowl, there is nowhere you can hide.

There is no cure for phone zombification. All you can do is stay out of their way and hope they don't infect you!

Here is a helpful public information poster that you can put up in your office if you are experiencing a Phone Zombie Epidemic:

Monday Morning

Picture the scene: it's monday morning. I've just put my tea and coco-pops down on the window-sill for a moment while I settle my ample bottom down onto the sofa. Meanwhile, Higgins the kitten is eyeing up a spider on the other side of the window...

The Perturbed Dragon Episode Two: The New Guy

Here's the awesome second episode of The Perturbed Dragon.  This one has my favourite character, Dave the Orc, who joins the gang for a game of Real Life.  But will he fit in...?

Higgs' Theme Song...

Anyone who's sat next to me at work for any length of time will be painfully aware of my little singing habit.  Yeah, I sing at my desk.

Nothing mind blowing.  Just annoying little songs consisting of someone's name shoehorned into an existing tune.

For example, when Hannah sits next to me, she gets the chorus of 'America' from West Side Story in the ear:  'Hamina hamina ham-in-ah.'

Kate will be sitting next to me for the first time on Tuesday.  She doesn't know it yet, but I've already selected her theme tune - Black Beauty.  Not because she looks like a horse or anything - just because I like the tune and it works well with: 'Kay-teeeee, katy katy katy kay-teeeeeee'.

My singing is not limited to people in the office.  Dr K is regularly subjected to full blown musical epics about her jubblies and various other parts of her anatomy.  After all these years, she's learned to block it out.

But the subject of my post is not any of these people, but rather, Higgins, the new kitten with the stinkiest arse on the planet.  Stinkier, even then mine.  And I sing all about it.

It all started when I knocked together this little image:

It was a simple case of replacing all the references to things that weren't Higgs with...  er...  Higgs.

"Hey, Higgs, what you doin'? Hey Higgs, where you goin'? Who's that girl? Who's that girl?  It's HIGGS!'

Then I got to replacing words from other songs...

"Go Higgins, go, go.  Go Higgins go, go.  Higgins be good!"

No such luck.  She's an evil little bitch...

"Higgs, glorious Higgs.  Black, tiny and furry..."

"I see a little silhouetto of a cat..."

"Higgly doo dah, Higgly ay.  My oh my what a Higgly day.  Plenty of  cat shit coming my way.  Higgly doo dah, higgly ay."

Because she poos a lot.  Sometimes in the litter tray.

And then of course, I became a bit poo obsessed:

"One shit is not enough, but is the perfect place to start my love.  If it smells strong enough, together we can take the world apart my love..."

And another classic Bond song:

"One golden plop means another poor victim, will smell Higgins' shittering end.  For a price she'll shit on anyone.  The cat with the shitty bum!"

"Don't cry when you smell my arsehole.  The truth is I did a big shit..."

"The house is alive with the smell of cat shit.  A smell that's around for a thousand years..."

 "Smells like Higgs' arsehole..."

Okay, that last one wasn't actually a lyric.  But I thought it made for a funny picture...

The Perturbed Dragon Episode One: The New Game

Well, it's finally here. The premiere of our cartoon, The Perturbed Dragon.

We've been working on this for six months.  I've spent nearly every spare moment animating this!  I really hope you enjoy it!

On a tangenital, but slightly connected note: why are people on Facebook so eager to share vaguely amusing kitten photos taken by anonymous internet residents, but so reluctant to share stuff that their friends have worked hard to create?

Kiss My Shiny Axe

You may be wondering where my blog post is this week.

Well, it kinda got neglected because of my long-gestating cartoon series which is almost finished.  It will, in fact be premiering next week.  NEXT WEEK!

To celebrate, I made a trailer:

Dr K's Kitten Rules

Dr K has been finding the new kitten quite stressful.  As such, she felt it would be helpful to share some words of wisdom so that others don't have to suffer the way she has.  I have drawn some lovely pictures to go along with her advice:

Dr K says: If you want to keep something safe never let it dangle. As part of this rule never hang smalls on the bottom level of the clothes horse.  (I think 'smalls' must be her underpants.  Mine definitely aren't small)

Dr K says: If you let the fur kids in the bedroom at night keep all naked limbs (especially feet) under the bed covers at all times 

Dr K says: Create and maintain adequate air lock systems the front and back doors of the house.

Dr K says: Block up all small holes or air gaps in everything... literally everything... Best to have a divan beds if at all possible.

Dr K says: Double check the dishwasher / washing machine / tumble dryer for small furry animals before starting a wash cycle.  (It's one way to make sure they're clean...)

Dr K says: Be ready with the poop scoop and air freshener at all times! (I thought these were 'kitten' rules!)

Dr K says: Never walk around the house in bare feet. There will be all sorts of things around the house to step on (or in).  (Heh...  Higgins pooed on Dr K's foot the other day!)

Dr K says: Don't expect to be able to wear tights until the kitten is at least a year old. (Damn.)

Dr K says: Never open the wardrobe before bedtime... they will be impossible to extract, but will scrabble around in there for hours!


I have pulled all of these rules together into a single, helpful poster that you can print out and keep:

Finally, I have drawn an extra picture that will help you identify potential ambush locations for your kitten.  Can you spot them all?

The Opposition's Manifesto

We, The Evil Cabal Of Evil have read Dazza Moo's manifesto, which he posted here last week, and have decided that it cannot go unanswered. Therefore, have erased the post that he originally put up this evening* and replaced it with our own Manifesto. We think you'll agree that it is much better than Dazza Moo's.

The Evil Cabal Of Evil's

Manifesto

Economy
This is very simply addressed: If every person in the country subscribes to Sky, reads the Sun, buys an iPhone and uses Microsoft Office, we will make a shit-load of money. Making rich people richer is very good for the economy because of stuff and things.

Environment
Green things are completely unnecessary.  The future is indoors, not in the countryside.  We will chop down all of those pesky trees and get rid of all that mucky wildlife.  You will all live in shiny, white cubes, like the future of the sixties and eat pills for dinner. We, on the other hand will dine on bacon and roast beef from our secret island livestock farms.

Jobs
This is one thing that Dazza Moo and we agree on. We will channel all available funding into building Steve Jobs' cloud mind a giant robot body with which to subjugate the world.

Sustainable Energy
Your cubes will be lit by solar power during the day. Once it gets dark, you will sleep.

The Welfare State
It's simple. If you work, you will get fed. If you don't, you won't. Please note that your family may be charged a nominal sum to have your remains cleared up in the event of joblessness.

Education
All the education that you need will be fed to you through our products. You will want for nothing.

Crime and Civil LibertiesThere won't be any. Not with a giant Steve-Jobs-Bot roaming around, subjugating.

Health
Your healthiness will be measured by your productivity.  See 'The Welfare State' for more details.

( * which was excellent, by the way - it was called 'The Adventures Of The Ninja Teacup Pig' and was by far the best post Dazza Moo has ever written.  There were several excellent illustrations as well, one of which is here:

The rest were even better, but you will never see them. Muah ha ha!)

My Manifesto

I was recently talking to the Fish Lady about politics. Yeah, I know. Me and politics. Hard to imagine isn't it? But it's a thing that happened.

After a few moments of making sense, the conversation degenerated into a discussion about what sort of manifesto I would concoct to get elected. This went exactly as you would expect.

The Dazza Moo
MANIFESTO
Economy
This is something that is foremost on everyone's mind. What should we do about the economy. To me the solution seems simple: We should upgrade to Business Class. There's more leg room and you get free drinks!

Environment
We should definitely have one of these. Otherwise, where would we stand? Or sit?

Jobs
I think he should be brought back from the dead, quite frankly. Apple seem a little bit confused without him and I kinda miss his plotting!

Sustainable Energy
Since we're rapidly running out of fossil fuels and no-one wants nuclear power plants near their house, or offshore windfarms or hydro-electric plants, I guess there's only one thing for it: Put unemployed people on treadmills.

The Welfare State
Well... all the unemployed people will be on treadmills, so they won't be unemployed any more. So they won't need benefits. That just leaves disabled or sick people, who absolutely should be paid benfits. And anyone caught faking disablement or sickeness will be disabled with a state approved baseball bat, so that they qualify properly.

Education
People should stay in school 'til they stop being stupid. That might mean that people stay in school for their entire lives. But they're stupid, so I don't care.

Crime & Civil Liberties
As far as I'm concerned, people have the right to do whever they like, with one exception: don't be a dick. So how about this: if you're a dick, you go to prison.

Health
I will pass a law requiring everyone to be healthy. Job done.

Finally, Spider-Man's dead uncle once said: 'With great power comes great responsibility' and I think there's something really valuable we can take away from the Spider-Man comics: primary coloured, skin tight unitards are awesome!

Staring At The Screen In Horror And Disbelief

I was recently told by a workmate that they were amazed at how much work I got done, considering I never actually looked busy.

Well, obviously I had to make further enquiries and what i discovered was this:
In order to considered 'busy', one has to pull this face at one's computer screen:


To me, this expression looks quite a lot like horror and disbelief, which leads me to conclude that all the so-called 'busy' people are actually watching videos of their mum performing fellatio on a camel, or maybe Gordon Brown having a poo on their cat*.

What concerns me is that these people stare at their screens with this expression all day, every day, which suggests that they're watching these videos repeatedly. Which in turn suggests that they're obsessive pervert sickos.

Needless to say, I won't be modifying my 'busy' face to suit the Oral Camel Posse and the Gordon Poocat Brigade. I will, however, start calling the 'busy' people the Oral Camel Posse and the Gordon Poocat Brigade, because it makes me chuckle, and will make me look even less busy!

( * one thing that recently caused me to pull this face was a conversation between Dr K and my mum about the book '50 Shades Of Grey'. There, look. I did it again. )

Musings

This week's blog post is a day late. Again.

Sorry about that.

Now, today, I don't really have one big thing* to blog about. Instead, I have three smaller things that, while they may not be worthy of a blog post of their own, add up to a perfectly adequate blog post. There's a picture and everything!

The first thing is a short rant about rainfall.

It seems that people are incapable of remembering what the weather was like in the past. Indeed, all they seem able to do s look out of the window and convince themselves that whatever it's like outside at that very moment is what the weather's been like since time began.

Take, for example a post by a friend on Facebook recently, where he bemoaned the fact that it had been pretty much raining since October. He conveniently forgot the fact that we'd just had the driest March for nearly 60 years, with 25 days of sunshine. In fact January, February, March and May 2012 all had significantly below average rainfall based on the 1979-2000 data on which the Met Office base their figures, leaving only April and June with significantly more rain than average.

So yeah. We've had a dry year. In the words of the twin-set lady:


On to less ranty stuff, now.

Dr K and I were enjoying a bit of rock music, courtesy of the Kerrang channel, when Muse came on.

'I assume,' said Dr K, 'That you're getting Muse to come and play at my birthday party this year.'

'Sure,' I said. 'They'll have to come in disguise, though. We don't want hordes of fans crashing the party.'

'What will they come disguised as?' asked Dr K.

'My fingers,' I said. 'Look, this one is Matthew Bellamy.'. I extended my middle finger for her inspection.

She hit me.


From domestic abuse to cats, now.

Dexter appears to have developed a new meow over the last week. Rather than his usual, rather girlish meow, he has acquired a new, huskier, deeper meow.

It's possible that he has developed a sore throat from rocking way too hard at a Karhu gig.

Or maybe he just has a cold.

I suspect it actually has something to do with the new addition to our household, though.

Perhaps he's trying to sound tough in front of the kitten.

I choose to believe that the stress of putting up with Higgin's nonsense has caused him to develop a 60-day smoking habit.



( * Yeah, yeah. Get your snickering out of the way now. )