While my more rational side tells me that these are trophies left over from Dexter's latest killing spree, my slight less rational side insists that this is what happened:
Showing posts with label murder most foul. Show all posts
Showing posts with label murder most foul. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Bodies Are Piling Up
Yesterday, there was a small collection of corpses on the driveway:
While my more rational side tells me that these are trophies left over from Dexter's latest killing spree, my slight less rational side insists that this is what happened:
While my more rational side tells me that these are trophies left over from Dexter's latest killing spree, my slight less rational side insists that this is what happened:
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Mole!
It seems that Dexter is getting a little more ambitious in his murdering.
Today, rather than his usual mouse or small bird, he brought home a mole!
This poor little critter is about twice the size of Dexter's usual victims.
Being of a methodical bent, Dr K felt that you might benefit from a slightly more scientific image to help you determine the size of the cadaver:
Yep. That's a good six inches right there!
Only two questions remain:
1. Did Dexter have to burrow to catch this mole?
2. If his kills continue to increase in size, how long will it be before we find a dead sheep on the back lawn?
Today, rather than his usual mouse or small bird, he brought home a mole!
This poor little critter is about twice the size of Dexter's usual victims.
Being of a methodical bent, Dr K felt that you might benefit from a slightly more scientific image to help you determine the size of the cadaver:
Yep. That's a good six inches right there!
Only two questions remain:
1. Did Dexter have to burrow to catch this mole?
2. If his kills continue to increase in size, how long will it be before we find a dead sheep on the back lawn?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Boobs And Murders
I have a couple of rather exciting things to tell you about today.
The first thing concerns my lunch.
I went into the bakery to buy myself some lunch. I chose a corned beef and salad roll, which was delicious. But that's not the bit I want to tell you about.
My eye was caught by some rather tasty looking coconutish delicacies. I decided to make further enquiries about these confections, and the following exchange (more or less) took place.
Me: Those look very tasty. Are they coconutty?
Bakerette: Why, yes they are, sir.
Me: In that case, please may I have two of your coconut boobs.
Yum.
The day did not end with my suggestive confections, however.
After work, I headed over to the local shopping mall with Dr K to partake of some spicy chicken. When we got there, however, there was a problem with our customary parking space. It had been taped off.
Further investigation showed that it was taped off because it was a crime scene. Apparently a suspicious death had taken place and the body was still right there:
I'm pretty sure that the usual suspect had nothing to do with this as it's about 10 miles away from his habitual murdering grounds. Anyway, he had already had his fill of murdering today as there was a 'present' on the drive when we got home:
So today was all about boobs and murders!
And spicy chicken wings!
The first thing concerns my lunch.
I went into the bakery to buy myself some lunch. I chose a corned beef and salad roll, which was delicious. But that's not the bit I want to tell you about.
My eye was caught by some rather tasty looking coconutish delicacies. I decided to make further enquiries about these confections, and the following exchange (more or less) took place.
Me: Those look very tasty. Are they coconutty?
Bakerette: Why, yes they are, sir.
Me: In that case, please may I have two of your coconut boobs.
Yum.
The day did not end with my suggestive confections, however.
After work, I headed over to the local shopping mall with Dr K to partake of some spicy chicken. When we got there, however, there was a problem with our customary parking space. It had been taped off.
Further investigation showed that it was taped off because it was a crime scene. Apparently a suspicious death had taken place and the body was still right there:
I'm pretty sure that the usual suspect had nothing to do with this as it's about 10 miles away from his habitual murdering grounds. Anyway, he had already had his fill of murdering today as there was a 'present' on the drive when we got home:
So today was all about boobs and murders!
And spicy chicken wings!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Murder Most Icky ('Orrible Pictures Included)
Please note that there are a couple of gory photos in today's blog post. If you are easily put of your food by the sight of gizzards, innards or giblets, then this isn't the post for you.
Still here? Okay... don't say you weren't warned!
It was around lunchtime on a sunny afternoon when the body was found. If it could be called a body, at all. A bit of intestine and something green and wobbly was all that remained of the unfortunate victim. A single foot was later discovered some distance away from the crime scene.
Fortunately the murder was caught on CCTV. A nearby camera took this image:
Forensic scientists were able to apply the infamous 'Hollywood Algorithm' to this image to zoom in and clear it up a bit, showing the murderer in the middle of his horrific business and thereby furthering the plot:
Despite dodgy TV plot device based software, the picture was still not clear enough to reveal the identity of the murderer, so local people were canvassed to see if they had seen anything.
One resident saw the horrible act in progress, but rather than trying to stop it, or call the police, decided instead to take some photographs, intending to post them on the Internet or sell it to the newspapers at a later date.
This photograph was perhaps the most damning:
Police cross referenced this face to their records and quickly came up with a match:
Dexter had a previous conviction for criminal footprints and detergent theft and is suspected of being a tiger, although that last charge wouldn't stick. His psychological profile suggests that he has committed other rodent murders although there is little evidence to support this.
He was easy enough to locate as he was attempting to break into a local house a few hours later. He resisted arrest and was abusive to the arresting officers
But he was eventually taken down town for processing.
Another murder mystery solved by good, solid, completely made up police work.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
The Scene Of The Crime
Crime Report
Date: 05/04/2011
Reporting Officer: PC 1602 Dazza Moo
Location: Dazza/Dr K residence, near Bristol, UK
Upon returning home from work, I entered the kitchen area to prepare the evening meal, whereupon I heard a cry from upstairs. the cry appeared to be one of surprise and mild distress.
Responding to the cry at an appropriate speed, I proceeded to the stairwell area where I ascended the steps, one at a time, starting with my rightmost foot. After several steps, I reached the top of the stairs and, ascertaining that the cry had come from the vicinity of the en-suite, proceeded to my right, at which point I came across Dr K (the witness) looking surprised and mildly distressed.
The witness was able to convey to me the reasons for her surprise and, indeed her mild distress, pointing out to me a set of incriminating marks of a blue nature upon the surface of the floor. I present a photograph of these marks as EXHIBIT ONE:
I further proceeded into the room whereupon I noted further marks of a suspicious nature on the seat area of the toilet. I present a further photograph of this evidence as EXHIBIT TWO, which clearly shows the marks and a blue detergent like substance in the toilet bowl:
Upon closer examination of these marks, I was able to ascertain that they were footprints. A close up photograph of the most prominent print is presented here as EXHIBIT THREE:
Upon further questioning, the witness was able to confirm that they were of a feline nature, which lead me to suspect that the culprit may have been a cat.
Upon performing a search of the immediate vicinity, I encountered a small cat sleeping in a suspicious manner on a nearby bed. The cat was somewhat stripy, so I approached with caution, in case it proved to be a tiger, however it was quickly subdued.
As the cat refused to submit to questioning, I arrested and restrained it. While waiting for backup, I searched the cat and discovered that one of it's paws was slightly bluer than the other, leading me to suspect that the cat was responsible for the blue footprints. A photograph comparing the relative blueness of the paws in question is presented as EXHIBIT FOUR:
Following further questioning at the Station, the cat admitted that it had been drinking from the toilet in violation of byelaw 1701: No cat is permitted to drink water, pissy or otherwise, from the toilet.
I further ascertained that the cat has previous form for this offence, namely an incident on the 21st January 2011.
The cat further admitted to being stripy, but firmly denied being a tiger.
It is my belief that this cat should be considered a danger to toilets and I ask the court to consider detaining him at Her Majesties' Pleasure.
PC 1602 Dazza Moo
Date: 05/04/2011
Reporting Officer: PC 1602 Dazza Moo
Location: Dazza/Dr K residence, near Bristol, UK
Upon returning home from work, I entered the kitchen area to prepare the evening meal, whereupon I heard a cry from upstairs. the cry appeared to be one of surprise and mild distress.
Responding to the cry at an appropriate speed, I proceeded to the stairwell area where I ascended the steps, one at a time, starting with my rightmost foot. After several steps, I reached the top of the stairs and, ascertaining that the cry had come from the vicinity of the en-suite, proceeded to my right, at which point I came across Dr K (the witness) looking surprised and mildly distressed.
The witness was able to convey to me the reasons for her surprise and, indeed her mild distress, pointing out to me a set of incriminating marks of a blue nature upon the surface of the floor. I present a photograph of these marks as EXHIBIT ONE:
I further proceeded into the room whereupon I noted further marks of a suspicious nature on the seat area of the toilet. I present a further photograph of this evidence as EXHIBIT TWO, which clearly shows the marks and a blue detergent like substance in the toilet bowl:
Upon closer examination of these marks, I was able to ascertain that they were footprints. A close up photograph of the most prominent print is presented here as EXHIBIT THREE:
Upon further questioning, the witness was able to confirm that they were of a feline nature, which lead me to suspect that the culprit may have been a cat.
Upon performing a search of the immediate vicinity, I encountered a small cat sleeping in a suspicious manner on a nearby bed. The cat was somewhat stripy, so I approached with caution, in case it proved to be a tiger, however it was quickly subdued.
As the cat refused to submit to questioning, I arrested and restrained it. While waiting for backup, I searched the cat and discovered that one of it's paws was slightly bluer than the other, leading me to suspect that the cat was responsible for the blue footprints. A photograph comparing the relative blueness of the paws in question is presented as EXHIBIT FOUR:
Following further questioning at the Station, the cat admitted that it had been drinking from the toilet in violation of byelaw 1701: No cat is permitted to drink water, pissy or otherwise, from the toilet.
I further ascertained that the cat has previous form for this offence, namely an incident on the 21st January 2011.
The cat further admitted to being stripy, but firmly denied being a tiger.
It is my belief that this cat should be considered a danger to toilets and I ask the court to consider detaining him at Her Majesties' Pleasure.
PC 1602 Dazza Moo
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