The Scene Of The Crime

Crime Report

Date: 05/04/2011

Reporting Officer: PC 1602 Dazza Moo

Location: Dazza/Dr K residence, near Bristol, UK

Upon returning home from work, I entered the kitchen area to prepare the evening meal, whereupon I heard a cry from upstairs. the cry appeared to be one of surprise and mild distress.

Responding to the cry at an appropriate speed, I proceeded to the stairwell area where I ascended the steps, one at a time, starting with my rightmost foot. After several steps, I reached the top of the stairs and, ascertaining that the cry had come from the vicinity of the en-suite, proceeded to my right, at which point I came across Dr K (the witness) looking surprised and mildly distressed.

The witness was able to convey to me the reasons for her surprise and, indeed her mild distress, pointing out to me a set of incriminating marks of a blue nature upon the surface of the floor. I present a photograph of these marks as EXHIBIT ONE:



I further proceeded into the room whereupon I noted further marks of a suspicious nature on the seat area of the toilet. I present a further photograph of this evidence as EXHIBIT TWO, which clearly shows the marks and a blue detergent like substance in the toilet bowl:



Upon closer examination of these marks, I was able to ascertain that they were footprints. A close up photograph of the most prominent print is presented here as EXHIBIT THREE:



Upon further questioning, the witness was able to confirm that they were of a feline nature, which lead me to suspect that the culprit may have been a cat.

Upon performing a search of the immediate vicinity, I encountered a small cat sleeping in a suspicious manner on a nearby bed. The cat was somewhat stripy, so I approached with caution, in case it proved to be a tiger, however it was quickly subdued.

As the cat refused to submit to questioning, I arrested and restrained it. While waiting for backup, I searched the cat and discovered that one of it's paws was slightly bluer than the other, leading me to suspect that the cat was responsible for the blue footprints. A photograph comparing the relative blueness of the paws in question is presented as EXHIBIT FOUR:



Following further questioning at the Station, the cat admitted that it had been drinking from the toilet in violation of byelaw 1701: No cat is permitted to drink water, pissy or otherwise, from the toilet.

I further ascertained that the cat has previous form for this offence, namely an incident on the 21st January 2011.

The cat further admitted to being stripy, but firmly denied being a tiger.




It is my belief that this cat should be considered a danger to toilets and I ask the court to consider detaining him at Her Majesties' Pleasure.

PC 1602 Dazza Moo