What is a secret, however, is why, exactly, I am so handsome.
Is it genetic handsomeness? Have I inherited my handsomeness from my parents?
Obviously not, because neither of my brothers are even nearly as handsome as me. In fact, by comparison, they have a very ordinary level of handsomeness. (I'm being kind... At least one of them is really quite ugly.)
Is it because of Photoshop? Photoshop is very clever and can do many things, but sadly, making a person as handsome as me is not one of those things. I did a test on some photographs of Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and George Clooney, but I simply couldn't make them as handsome as me.
See? This handsometer measures two different types of handsomeness, and those other guys don't even come close to my top notch handsomeness.
Could it be clever lighting that makes me so handsome? No. I'm handsome in the dark too. Doubly so, Dr K tells me. Look, here's a picture of me that illustrates this perfectly:
I really am very handsome in the dark, aren't I?
I'll wait a moment before I continue while the ladies finish swooning.
Finished?
Excellent. I shall continue.
No, the reason I am so very handsome is quite simple. It's my beard. My beard makes me handsome.
I mean, I'm quite handsome without it, but the beard really does an excellent job of making me extra handsome.
And recently, I have been getting even handsomer.
'How?' I hear you ask. 'How can you get even more handsome?
I could tell you, but I think the following picture illustrates it perfectly:
That's right. I have more beard. I don't want you to think of it as a beard, though. I want you to think of it as More Handsomeness. Because that's what it is. Somewhat patchy handsomeness, I'll grant you. In places, it's quite sparse handsomeness, and some parts of my face are more handsome than others, but it is, nonetheless, plenty of handsomeness.
Good night.
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