The Truth About The iPad 3

It's that time of year that the internet explodes with rumours about new iPads.

There are tons of exciting rumours about retina displays and quad core processors and and super HD cameras and extra strength batteries and stuff like that.

But none of that is important.  The internet seems to be missing the point.

So to help them out, here are the upgrades that I fully expect to appear on the iPad3:

You will notice immediately that it is chrome.  I'm bored of my plain black iPad and the white one makes me feel a bit trashy.  So chrome is the obvious answer.  Shiny, shiny chrome!

The new iPad will have a robot arm.  Robot arms make everything a little bit more awesome.  It will be useful for holding my tea.  It's also very handy to have an extra hand when I'm looking at por...  er...  pictures of steam trains.

A Knight Rider light display is an essential part of the modern gadget.  If your gadget doesn't have a Knight Rider light display, then it's probably shit.  If you prefer, this could alternatively be a Cylon visor, which may complement the chrome look better.  The two are pretty much interchangeable, although KITT was way cooler and Mr Feeny was never actually proven to be a Cylon, despite everything.

The 3D holographic display is an obvious one.  2D is so passé these days.

The one thing that iPads have always lacked is LEDs.  LEDs are brilliant and I think Steve missed a trick by not including them in the original design.  So it just makes sense to have a bunch of multi coloured LEDs that don't really do anything other than look pretty.

One of the things I find most tiresome about my current iPad is that fact that I have to hold it.  Hover jets would be a simple and effective way to solve this problem.

Awesome apps are essential.  Until now, apps have been pretty average.  But with the iPad 3, I confidently predict that there will be working Death Ray apps with which to zap your enemies, or their peaceful planets with no weapons...  Also, there will be a tea app, which brings me on to the final innovation...

The Spout.  Genius.  Obviously if you're gonna have a tea making app, you're also going to need a spout to pour it from!

Well there you have it. I look forward to buying my new iPad in the spring!