Since my Agony Aunt style post yesterday, the e-mails have been pouring in. What can I say? When I give advice, it's awesome. So I thought I'd do it again. And this time, I thought I'd dress the part:
So, here we go...
Dear Dazza Moo,
Our neutrinos have been playing up. Please can you tell them to behave.
Brian C, CERN.
Blimey, you scientists don't know anything, do you?
Luckily, I'm here to lend a hand. If your neutrinos won't behave then a firm smack on their behind should do the job. Failing that, send them to bed without any pudding. That should give them pause for thought.
You really need to nip this behavior in the bud at an early stage, because if you don't, your neutrinos will only get worse. I would also keep an eye on all of your other subatomic particles, just in case. If you're not careful, your muons might develop a negative attitude or your electron may end up charged with a felony.
By the way, have you checked under the sofa cushion for that Higgs Boson particle? Often when I can't find things, they're under the sofa cushion.
Dear Dazza,
I am your biggest fan. My cat keeps sleeping on my pillow. I often wake up in the middle of the night to find my face full of cat anus, which I really don't like. What should I do?
Karen V, Gloucestershire
Have you considered the fact that you might be sleeping on his pillow, Karen? From the sounds of it, you are a very inconsiderate young lady and should think seriously about going to sleep on the rug in the spare room instead of taking up valuable bedroom real-estate.
Dear Dazza,
I knew you'd say that. You're an idiot.
Karen V, Gloucestershire.
That's a fair point, Karen. A fair point!
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