Auntie Dazza Part One

My status as the world's premier internet celebrity means that I often receive emails and letters from people asking my advice on many things.  Normally, I'm inclined to ignore them, but for the purposes of this evening's post, I have decided to address a few of them.

Dear Dazza,

I'm a huge fan of your work, but I'm suffering from terrible gastric wind and wondered if you had any suggestions on how to deal with it. 

Brian S, Windermere.

Thanks for writing to me, Brian.  I actually have extensive experience with this particular problem and am uniquely qualified to advise you.  All you need to do is burp and fart.  You will find that this relieves all of your symptoms.  If the problem re-occurs, simply burp or fart again.  Problem solved.

Dear Mr Moo.

I am a long-time reader of your amazing blog, but this is the first time I have written to you. I am seeking your advice on how to deal with my wife, who keeps making me watch Eastenders and Sex in the City.  She is also threatening me with The Sound Of Music at Christmas.  What should I do?

James T, Kirkcaldy.

That is a serious problem and no mistake.  The way I see it, you have two options:  


The first is to simply refuse to watch the offending programmes.  This can be done in any number of ways, from hiding in the garage and looking at porn on your laptop, while the programmes are on, changing the channel and swallowing the remote or, slightly more reasonably, go and have a bath.


The alternative is to simply suck it up, grow a vagina and watch the hell out of that shit!

Dear Daz,

You seem to have your head screwed on. We seem to have fucked up the economy. Can you tell me how to fix it?

Dave C, London.

Yeah, sure. Best thing you can do is keep your hands to yourself, Dave. On second thoughts, that might make you go blind...

Dear Dazza,

My friend keeps putting the milk in first. 

Peter G, Tipslade.

He is not your friend.

Well, there you go, everyone. Take what you will from my advice. You know I'm right, though.