Elevator Interior Positional Dynamic Relationships

The laws of physics cover many things, from the speed of light and nuclear fusion to the effects of gravity on a cat's body when it is 'accidentally' knocked off the arm of the sofa.

It's about time that science was applied to something really important. Something that will make a real difference to the world. Something that will benefit mankind for years and years to come.

For this reason, I intend to apply to the governemnt for a grant to study the dynamics of the interior positional dynamics of elevators.

Think about it for a minute: In any given lift occupied by say, 6 people, the person who has to get out first is always, always at the back. And what a pain in the backside that is. There must be a formula by which the probability of this is calculated - and once we fully understand the phenomenon, we can devise ways to limit it's effects on our day-to-day lift-catching activities.
The variables would include (but not be limited to):

The location of the lift,
The capacity of the lift,
The number of passengers in the lift,
The floor that each passenger requires,
The order in which the buttons are pressed.

Obviously the methodology would have to include the study of lifts in different parts of the world. For example, do the lifts in the Bahamas follow the same rules as those in California or New Zealand? Does altitude and/or air pressure have an effect? We'll have to
test this in lifts in ski resorts against those operating in the clubhouses of sea-level golf courses. What about wildlife? Do the inhabitants of the African Safari or Australian outback influence the dynamics of the list?

Alcohol may also have a contriubtary effect - after all, a very very drunk person may press the wrong button, fall out of the lift on the wrong floor or even fall asleep in the lift, thereby missing the required floor. Another important factor is odour. Will the smell of frying bacon promt the spontaneous depression of the Canteen level? Does a lingering fart cause people to exit the lift
earlier than intended?

All these vital questions will be answered if the government can be persuaded of the importance of my study. Write to your MP today. Even better - send me money. You know you want to!