In Which Mother's Day Is Cancelled, Someone Shits In The Bed And I Develop A Craving For Cream Teas.

I'm really sorry, ladies, but those of you who were expecting cards and presents from your offspring today should prepare for disappointment.

Despite all the advertising by the greetings card industry, there is in fact no Mothers Day this year.

You see, there was a scheduling error. Those idiots in the the calendar department went and double booked the 18th March. Today is in fact Dazza's birthday. It's been Dazza's Birthday on the 18th March for the last 30-odd years and it's not about to change. Here he is with this year's haul:


I have my suspicions about how this horrible Mothers-Day/Daz Day mix-up occurred:


So if you've gone out and bought your mum a card, I'm afraid you're going to have to ask for a refund. They shouldn't have sold it to you in the first place. And if you have received one, try not to be too despondent about the fact that it's a hollow gesture.

Now, my mum puts quite a lot of emphasis on Mothers Day. So that she doesn't feel all put out and everything, I have in fact purchased a card. But I didn't want to fall into the Cabal's ridiculous little trap, so I bought her a card that was far more appropriate for the day:


Now I've set the world to rights, I shall move onto other things.
This week, Rochester has been very poorly. He has kidney problems and they sort of got the better of him. Turns out that he had no potassium in him, which was causing him to be lethargic and dehydrated. Kinda like a hangover...


Anyway, the vet kept him in for a couple of nights, shaved bits of him for some sort of kinky ritual, poked him with all the stuff she could find, charging me a small fortune for the pleasure, and now he's much better. So much so, that when we got him home, he thanked us by coming up to bed with us and liberally sharing his lovely diarrhoea.


There's nothing quite like having to change the bed, clean the carpets and shower at half past eleven at night.

So basically, Rochester has spent all of my savings and then shit on me. Thanks, mate. You're very lucky to live with people who still love you despite being covered in your shit!

One last thing.

When I turned on the telly yesterday morning, James Martin was making Cream Teas. Guess what I had a craving for all weekend?

Luckily, I was able to indulge it...