The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews

Heh heh heh. Now I reckon '300' is gonna be the best movie of the year and now, having read this review of it, I just wanna see it even more. This is the coolest review I've ever seen of a movie. It tells you everything you need to know!

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and
make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what
the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING
CANDLES and it’d still rule.It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the
sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot
of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before
they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures
for computer wallpaper.The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s
sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as
much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say
to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting
twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.I can’t spoil
the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass
that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting
someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.TWO COOL
THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:COOL THING ONE:HEAVY METAL
DURING BATTLE SCENESWho gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct?
LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind
of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s
Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you
had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.COOL THING TWO:FOES, MINI-BOSSES
AND A BIG BOSSBasically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but
the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like
a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years.
There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a
hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back. Would I have been
happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but
this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.NOT SO GOOD THING:DUDE
NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women
around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked
woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is
something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I
guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties. Any directors reading this – IT’S
OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES. Can’t someone make a movie about naked
Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling
movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone
makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

I get the impression that he liked it a bit.And, yes. He should probably re-read his first couple of paragraphs...