Perturbed Dragon One-Sheets

Phone Zombies

These fine gentlemen are the Phone-Zombies.

Phone Zombies genuinely believe the the 'mobile' part of the term 'mobile phone' means that they MUST be mobile whilst using their phone. So they get up from their desk and shamble around the office, utterly unaware of their surroundings.

Not content with taking up valuable corridor space, they create even more of a navigational challenge by stepping sideways or even backwards without any warning. They wander up and down, and into meeting rooms. They perform desk circuits, often stopping right behind hard working colleagues to make loud and important contributions to their teleconferences. They are also attracted to windows. In extreme cases, they even shamble into the toilets to take a dump whilst mindlessly chattering into their phone.

Scientists recently completed a scientific study, where they studied the shambling habits of Phone Zombies scientifically. They created an 'average' office floor plan and used science to project the probable movements of the Phone Zombies based on a given starting point. Here is that floor plan with a couple of those Phone Zombie Projections (PZPs):







As you can see, the shambling patterns are very complex and if there is more than one Phone Zombie on the prowl, there is nowhere you can hide.

There is no cure for phone zombification. All you can do is stay out of their way and hope they don't infect you!

Here is a helpful public information poster that you can put up in your office if you are experiencing a Phone Zombie Epidemic:

Monday Morning

Picture the scene: it's monday morning. I've just put my tea and coco-pops down on the window-sill for a moment while I settle my ample bottom down onto the sofa. Meanwhile, Higgins the kitten is eyeing up a spider on the other side of the window...

The Perturbed Dragon Episode Two: The New Guy

Here's the awesome second episode of The Perturbed Dragon.  This one has my favourite character, Dave the Orc, who joins the gang for a game of Real Life.  But will he fit in...?

Higgs' Theme Song...

Anyone who's sat next to me at work for any length of time will be painfully aware of my little singing habit.  Yeah, I sing at my desk.

Nothing mind blowing.  Just annoying little songs consisting of someone's name shoehorned into an existing tune.

For example, when Hannah sits next to me, she gets the chorus of 'America' from West Side Story in the ear:  'Hamina hamina ham-in-ah.'

Kate will be sitting next to me for the first time on Tuesday.  She doesn't know it yet, but I've already selected her theme tune - Black Beauty.  Not because she looks like a horse or anything - just because I like the tune and it works well with: 'Kay-teeeee, katy katy katy kay-teeeeeee'.

My singing is not limited to people in the office.  Dr K is regularly subjected to full blown musical epics about her jubblies and various other parts of her anatomy.  After all these years, she's learned to block it out.

But the subject of my post is not any of these people, but rather, Higgins, the new kitten with the stinkiest arse on the planet.  Stinkier, even then mine.  And I sing all about it.

It all started when I knocked together this little image:

It was a simple case of replacing all the references to things that weren't Higgs with...  er...  Higgs.

"Hey, Higgs, what you doin'? Hey Higgs, where you goin'? Who's that girl? Who's that girl?  It's HIGGS!'

Then I got to replacing words from other songs...

"Go Higgins, go, go.  Go Higgins go, go.  Higgins be good!"

No such luck.  She's an evil little bitch...

"Higgs, glorious Higgs.  Black, tiny and furry..."

"I see a little silhouetto of a cat..."

"Higgly doo dah, Higgly ay.  My oh my what a Higgly day.  Plenty of  cat shit coming my way.  Higgly doo dah, higgly ay."

Because she poos a lot.  Sometimes in the litter tray.

And then of course, I became a bit poo obsessed:

"One shit is not enough, but is the perfect place to start my love.  If it smells strong enough, together we can take the world apart my love..."

And another classic Bond song:

"One golden plop means another poor victim, will smell Higgins' shittering end.  For a price she'll shit on anyone.  The cat with the shitty bum!"

"Don't cry when you smell my arsehole.  The truth is I did a big shit..."

"The house is alive with the smell of cat shit.  A smell that's around for a thousand years..."

 "Smells like Higgs' arsehole..."

Okay, that last one wasn't actually a lyric.  But I thought it made for a funny picture...

The Perturbed Dragon Episode One: The New Game

Well, it's finally here. The premiere of our cartoon, The Perturbed Dragon.

We've been working on this for six months.  I've spent nearly every spare moment animating this!  I really hope you enjoy it!

On a tangenital, but slightly connected note: why are people on Facebook so eager to share vaguely amusing kitten photos taken by anonymous internet residents, but so reluctant to share stuff that their friends have worked hard to create?

Kiss My Shiny Axe

You may be wondering where my blog post is this week.

Well, it kinda got neglected because of my long-gestating cartoon series which is almost finished.  It will, in fact be premiering next week.  NEXT WEEK!

To celebrate, I made a trailer:

Dr K's Kitten Rules

Dr K has been finding the new kitten quite stressful.  As such, she felt it would be helpful to share some words of wisdom so that others don't have to suffer the way she has.  I have drawn some lovely pictures to go along with her advice:

Dr K says: If you want to keep something safe never let it dangle. As part of this rule never hang smalls on the bottom level of the clothes horse.  (I think 'smalls' must be her underpants.  Mine definitely aren't small)

Dr K says: If you let the fur kids in the bedroom at night keep all naked limbs (especially feet) under the bed covers at all times 

Dr K says: Create and maintain adequate air lock systems the front and back doors of the house.

Dr K says: Block up all small holes or air gaps in everything... literally everything... Best to have a divan beds if at all possible.

Dr K says: Double check the dishwasher / washing machine / tumble dryer for small furry animals before starting a wash cycle.  (It's one way to make sure they're clean...)

Dr K says: Be ready with the poop scoop and air freshener at all times! (I thought these were 'kitten' rules!)

Dr K says: Never walk around the house in bare feet. There will be all sorts of things around the house to step on (or in).  (Heh...  Higgins pooed on Dr K's foot the other day!)

Dr K says: Don't expect to be able to wear tights until the kitten is at least a year old. (Damn.)

Dr K says: Never open the wardrobe before bedtime... they will be impossible to extract, but will scrabble around in there for hours!


I have pulled all of these rules together into a single, helpful poster that you can print out and keep:

Finally, I have drawn an extra picture that will help you identify potential ambush locations for your kitten.  Can you spot them all?

The Opposition's Manifesto

We, The Evil Cabal Of Evil have read Dazza Moo's manifesto, which he posted here last week, and have decided that it cannot go unanswered. Therefore, have erased the post that he originally put up this evening* and replaced it with our own Manifesto. We think you'll agree that it is much better than Dazza Moo's.

The Evil Cabal Of Evil's

Manifesto

Economy
This is very simply addressed: If every person in the country subscribes to Sky, reads the Sun, buys an iPhone and uses Microsoft Office, we will make a shit-load of money. Making rich people richer is very good for the economy because of stuff and things.

Environment
Green things are completely unnecessary.  The future is indoors, not in the countryside.  We will chop down all of those pesky trees and get rid of all that mucky wildlife.  You will all live in shiny, white cubes, like the future of the sixties and eat pills for dinner. We, on the other hand will dine on bacon and roast beef from our secret island livestock farms.

Jobs
This is one thing that Dazza Moo and we agree on. We will channel all available funding into building Steve Jobs' cloud mind a giant robot body with which to subjugate the world.

Sustainable Energy
Your cubes will be lit by solar power during the day. Once it gets dark, you will sleep.

The Welfare State
It's simple. If you work, you will get fed. If you don't, you won't. Please note that your family may be charged a nominal sum to have your remains cleared up in the event of joblessness.

Education
All the education that you need will be fed to you through our products. You will want for nothing.

Crime and Civil LibertiesThere won't be any. Not with a giant Steve-Jobs-Bot roaming around, subjugating.

Health
Your healthiness will be measured by your productivity.  See 'The Welfare State' for more details.

( * which was excellent, by the way - it was called 'The Adventures Of The Ninja Teacup Pig' and was by far the best post Dazza Moo has ever written.  There were several excellent illustrations as well, one of which is here:

The rest were even better, but you will never see them. Muah ha ha!)

My Manifesto

I was recently talking to the Fish Lady about politics. Yeah, I know. Me and politics. Hard to imagine isn't it? But it's a thing that happened.

After a few moments of making sense, the conversation degenerated into a discussion about what sort of manifesto I would concoct to get elected. This went exactly as you would expect.

The Dazza Moo
MANIFESTO
Economy
This is something that is foremost on everyone's mind. What should we do about the economy. To me the solution seems simple: We should upgrade to Business Class. There's more leg room and you get free drinks!

Environment
We should definitely have one of these. Otherwise, where would we stand? Or sit?

Jobs
I think he should be brought back from the dead, quite frankly. Apple seem a little bit confused without him and I kinda miss his plotting!

Sustainable Energy
Since we're rapidly running out of fossil fuels and no-one wants nuclear power plants near their house, or offshore windfarms or hydro-electric plants, I guess there's only one thing for it: Put unemployed people on treadmills.

The Welfare State
Well... all the unemployed people will be on treadmills, so they won't be unemployed any more. So they won't need benefits. That just leaves disabled or sick people, who absolutely should be paid benfits. And anyone caught faking disablement or sickeness will be disabled with a state approved baseball bat, so that they qualify properly.

Education
People should stay in school 'til they stop being stupid. That might mean that people stay in school for their entire lives. But they're stupid, so I don't care.

Crime & Civil Liberties
As far as I'm concerned, people have the right to do whever they like, with one exception: don't be a dick. So how about this: if you're a dick, you go to prison.

Health
I will pass a law requiring everyone to be healthy. Job done.

Finally, Spider-Man's dead uncle once said: 'With great power comes great responsibility' and I think there's something really valuable we can take away from the Spider-Man comics: primary coloured, skin tight unitards are awesome!