A Brief Guide To Meeting Etiquette

If you are as important as me, you'll find yourself in lots of meetings.  Here are a few tips on how to get the most out of your meetings.

1. Arrive early.  This gives you plenty of opportunity to assess the meeting territory. Most importantly, it gives you the opportunity to hide the whoopie cushion under the boss' chair, which is important for breaking the ice, which in turn is very good for morale and even better for making the boss look like a farty-pants.

2. Sit in front of the window.  With the bright light of day coming in from behind you, you'll look quite a lot like the messiah.

3. Make your seat higher than everyone elses. It only has to be a little bit.  You could sit on a yellow pages or a dictionary or something. When you're higher up than everyone else, you will look far more important, and people will subconciously defer to your obvious superiority. If you can't find a dictionary, consider sawing off a few inches of the legs of all the other chairs!

4. Don't fall asleep.  While meetings would seem to be the perfect environment for fitting in a little nap, you'll actually find that all that droning on by the other attendees will probably keep waking you up. Your beauty sleep is important, so save it for a time when those inconsiderate bastards won;t keep waking you up.

5. Take a pen and paper.  If you don't, how will you be able to draw silly pictures of the other attendees?

6. Sit between the projector and the screen.  Oh man, those powerpoint slides are boring.  But you can make them way more interesting with a barking dog or shadow puppet copulation scene! Note, that this one will only work if you didn't manage number 2.

7. Relax.  You're there for the long haul. You may as well be comfortable. Turn up in your dressing gown and slippers.  And no-one will mind if you smoke your pipe.

8. Bring snacks.  Especially if it's going to be more than 20 minutes. You need something to keep your energy levels up. I would suggest something light, like a beef roast dinner.  Just three courses, though.  You don't want to go over the top. Red wine goes well with beef.

9. Contribute.  This one was suggested by Dr K.  I had to think a bit about what she might mean by this, but I think I have it sussed. Basically, what she's saying is that people might expect you to say stuff during the meeting. This can be a big problem, but there is a simple solution: distraction. Just do a silent guff and blame it on the boss. Everyone will believe you, cos he let one rip when he sat down!

There you go. Now you'll be able to get the most out of your meetings.

One last thing: It's probably best if you don;t share this information with other meeting attendees, otherwise all your meetings will be full of pipe smoke, food, shadow porn and stinking of guffs!