They Call Me 'Two Beds Morrissey'

That's right.

I've arrived at my hotel in Edinbugh to find two beds in my room. Not two single beds, two DOUBLE beds. Awesome, huh? I might just swap between them during the night.

Thinking about it, there's probably enough bed surface area for a proper orgy or something. Yay!

I'll work on that in a minute when I meet my travelling companions in the bar. I'm sure it will go very well and that everyone will think that it's a most excellent idea and no one will kick me in the nuts at all.

Now I'd just like to clarify a bit of hotel etiquette here: I have facial soap and I have bath soap in my room. I want to wash my hands.

I've elected to use the facial soap, rather than the bath soap, as I suspect something designed to clean a bath might be a bit harsh on my hands. Soap designed for my delicate, beautiful face however, should be fine.

I just want to be sure that I haven't made some sort of terrible hotel soap related faux-pas.

EDIT: it is now almost midnight. My nuts are intact, however I am, unsurprisingly, alone in my hotel room as the only person who was interested in my suggestion was a hairy man called Paul.

As an unrelated aside, I've now been in Bonnie Scotland for around six hours and, as far as I can tell, have yet to meet an actual Scottish person. The guys at the taxi rank were of Middle Eastern persuasion and the hotel staff appear to be comprised of Eastern Europeans. I'm informed that one of the girls who served is dinner may have had a Scottish accent, but as I did not hear her speak, I can't really accept that as empirical evidence of Scottishness.

Hell, based on the evidence so far, there are more Scottish people in Bristol than there are in Edinburgh.