You may have noticed the prevalence of Easter Eggs in the shops, even though Easter is many, many weeks away. In fact, there were eggs being sold in my local supermarket shortly after New Year's Day.
In the weeks leading up to Valentine's day, there was little else (apart from Easter Eggs) being advertised, while Christmas was being celebrated by the retail sector as early as September last year. Mother's Day* is about to hit, even though it's not 'til April. It will, no doubt be followed in short order by Father's day.
There doesn't seem to be a month of the year when advertisers aren't telling us thet we need to go out and buy chocolate or flowers, or overpriced bits of thick, colourful paper. It's been going on so long that the premature and extended celebration of events is pretty much a British tradition.
I'm quite patriotic. I like traditions. So with that in mind, I have decided that the population of this great island should start celebrating my birthday a month in advance. You'll note that I've been conservative in the amount of time people must devote their attention to me. I could have gone down the Christmas route and had them start in about November.
There are many activities associated with the celebration of my birthday. Obviously, you will all have to start singing birthday songs to and about me. In fact all the shops and restaurants in the UK are obliged to play birthday songs to and about me on repeat from the moment they open their doors to the public, to the moment they close them.
In addition to this, roaming groups of feral singers should roam the streets, knocking on people's doors and singing at them. Brass Bands are optional.
Now, I appreciate that there is only actually one song associated with birthdays; the appropriately named 'Happy Birthday'. Unfortunately this means that this one song will have to be heard up and down the country ad-nauseum for the next month.
Then of course there are presents. You must all spend the next four weeks fretting about what to buy me, before going out on Dazday Eve to purchase it at the last moment, only to find that it's sold out.
You will, of course, be expected to post bits of stiff paper to everyone you know reminding them to celebrate my birthday, too.
I know this is a lot to take in. If you don't participate, though, it means that you hate Great Britain and are probably some sort of terrorist.
To help you out, I have repurposed another great and slightly pointless tradition. The Advent Calendar is dead. Long live THE DAZVENT CALENDAR!
One door per day. Behind each door is a subtle reminder of what you are celebrating.
So without further ado, here is your Dazvent Calendar! Enjoy!
This is the front of the calendar.
This is the back of the calendar.
You'll need to click on each of the images to get the larger version, download and print them, cut around the doors (only 3 sides, mind - get a grown up to help!) and then stick the front to the back! And all the while you must promise not to peek at the pictures!
(*A couple of years ago, Mother's Day had the bad manners to fall on my birthday. I was very gracious about the situation. I still bought my mother a lovely card. A 'Birthday Boy' card. I think she got the point.)
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